I hate that it’s always this way…

I hate it when…

It hits me that I’m probably doing too much. Like I’m the only one putting in efforts. I’m the only one trying to make a difference.
For the last 6 years, I’ve experienced relationships ( both romantic and platonic) in so many different ways. Now that I think about it, those early years were meant to teach me all I know now. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that, I do too much that gets me taken for granted.
Just let me feel you care about me a little, just do a tiny thing for me or just say or do something to make me feel my opinion matters and I start thinking you are a god. And with that, I would go out of my way to do everything little thing for you to make you feel good.

The problem now is when the person starts to move different. When the person starts to do things that I don’t find cool. What do I do?

If you ask me my opinion on such a thing, I would tell you to go where your energy is reciprocated. Go where you don’t feel you need to do something to prove your worth.

But that’s always the hardest part right? Taking your own advice. If someone should tell me this in this very moment that I’m writing this, my first reaction would be to defend myself or that relationship. I would tell you it’s not how you see it and there are so many things you don’t know. But in the back of my head, I know what this person is saying is right but for how long will I continue to be in denial?

What keeps me in this situation is to think of the few times those people did stuff to make me feel good and included, then I use that as a basis to say this current situation is temporary and that everything would go back to normal

The more I write this, the more I see how nonsensical I’m being🤦🏽‍♀️.

I actually woke up this morning thinking about this and then I came on here to check the writing prompts this weekend only to find a reason for me to rant-sort-of😂.

Lemme give you a glimpse of my daily internal battles with myself

Head: You know what you bring to the table and you know what you stand for. It’s about time you re think your priorities and make life easier for us

Heart: but i love this person so much and they make me feel good. I think there are more positives to this person and this is just one of the bad times.

Head: Can you count the number of times you’ve said this and said it would get better? Is it getting any better? Aren’t you tired? Haven’t you had enough?

Heart: You can’t expect to find someone that’s perfect and would do everything the way you want. I have so many flaws myself but this person still sticks with me. It’s only logical that I overlook a few bad things.

Head: This person never thinks twice about doing something for themselves. They constantly make you feel they are the only ones that matter and you are constantly trying to do things hoping they might reciprocate a tiny bit of it. I think we’ve both lost count of how many times you’ve done this. Don’t you think it’s about time you beat down your expectations? It’s about time you learn from them and put yourself first as well.

Heart: When I do something for them, it’s because I love them and just want to do it for them. Seeing them happy makes me happy. Besides, they could be acting differently because they have so much going on in their lives they can’t even talk about. The least you could do is to be kind and hope for the best

Head: Do you think they think about you this way? Do you think they consider how whatever they are doing makes you feel? Why do you have to be the one that gets stepped on every-time? Why can’t they be the bigger person just once and make you feel that they value this friendship or relationship that you have? Must you always be they one giving? Must you always be the one sacrificing? You know too well they wouldn’t do half of what you do for them on a daily.

Heart: Listen, I get your point and all this that you are trying to say, but this won’t be for long. Just a little more patience and endurance.
It’s not like what you say doesn’t make sense, but I still want to do these things anyway. But this time, with less expectations and I won’t do too much anymore 🤞🏽.

Head: 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ you will be the end of us! How can you be this sensible and senseless at the same time?……

This is exactly how it plays out in my head every time and so yes, I hate that even when I feel I’m unappreciated, I still do too much…

I should take my own advice, I know
But it’s not as easy…

This is my entry into this weekend’s engagement prompts by @galenkp