Azure, you fool!!

It’s not a love story; not a hate story either. Do you know, if you tell someone not to hurt you, they’ll hurt more? It’s like their instincts kick in, like a child who’s told not to act upon his rage but shoves the neighbor’s kid from the merry-go-round just because he wanted to. Just like some people, they can’t help but hurt others, not intentionally, but they do it; they can’t stop themselves.

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I remember the day I first found out about his bipolar behaviour. I knew he had a drink; he didn't hide that from me. But that day was different. I could sense just a hint, but I shrugged it off. For me, it was a beautiful evening. We took a little drive to the beach after sunset. I like sea breeze at this hour; he knew. The cool salty wind, the waves crashing at my feet; I’ll be shifting as soon as the soil underneath my feet would wash away. The beaches are less crowded at this hour. You may occasionally see a crow flying by. We were walking by the shore for what seemed like hours; he was tipsy. He asked me if I wanted to ride the boat; I refused. I was afraid one or both of us may fall in the water in this dark; he didn’t take it well. “You don’t have a sense of adventure,” he said, and I saw him walking towards the sea with his back turned around. It was as if he didn’t give a shit about anything. I was a bit puzzled, I have never seen him like this before.

I thought he was messing with me, but then he took a dive. I rush to him but I didn’t find him; I called him out but no answer. He popped up a few feet away from me; I was befuddled. “Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?” I said and he laughed. “Did you get scared, Azure?” he started running towards the coast after saying that. I stared at his way for a while in disbelief. I couldn’t recognize him, no, I recognized him, but I didn’t want to believe. He called some guy and a few minutes later he came back with a bottle. Yea, you can guess what that bottle was.

I don’t know why I didn’t stop him from drinking; to him, I guess my face said it all, and he assured me he’s fine. He was “acting” fine for a while; so nonchalant, so happy. He was ranting many things and suddenly I could see his behavior shifting. He was angry; at the world, at everyone and everything around him, including him. It frustrated him, his own existence, and all I could see that he was in pain. “Why don’t you just leave? huh? Just leave me alone!!!” he screamed. I said, “Fine. If that’s what you want.” I called his friend to drop us at home. But I didn’t leave him that day, I couldn’t.

I loved him; love him. And that love broke me into million pieces; not my heart but me. No matter how much I try, I can’t piece it together; I look like a broken porcelain doll whose cracks of glued pieces are still visible. He used to tell me he’s a volcano and I’m a cyclone. It will destroy everything in the process; I didn’t pay attention to that statement. His violent outbursts, picking fights for no reason, insane jealousy, I overlooked all the red flags. I just didn’t want to see anything beyond his quality. Even with a perfect pair of eyes, I was blind; what an irony.

I still remember how he would call me Mon Azure and my heart would skip a beat every time; that hasn’t changed at all. But unlike previous times when I forgave him, I now blame him for every littlest thing; also for the things that weren’t his fault. I became... him.

Mon Azure