[Week 128] If I were adopted, I would love even more the mother who raised me
I have always felt a bit out of orbit, I dream of understanding why we are here, why the world is the way it is, to know the exact reason for our existence, to know what our true origin is and what we really are.
This I think has nothing to do with my family, I would have the same doubts even if I were of royalty.
I remember that as a child I had a hard time expressing my feelings. One day I saw my mother fall from a chair and I pretended that I had not seen her and continued in my things, then later my mom complained that I did not go to help her, I was about 7 years old, I just thought that I could not have done anything, but inside I weighed not feeling able to express my feelings, it was like feeling tied.
I also remember that once my older sister was having a birthday and I had gathered money from my small allowance and I bought her a nail polish, I had a hard time giving it to her, my legs were shaking and my hands could not extend, I could not give her the gift at home and she went to work, I went after her with my heart racing and followed her steps, I felt such a big pressure just because I felt unable to give her the gift, she realized that someone was following her and turned around, I inexpressive extended my hand and told her: "Happy Birthday! " and I ran back, she smiled and said thank you.
I have always felt a little strange in the world, it is a difficult feeling to explain, however, over the years at least I have learned to let go a little and I am now able to express to others that they are important to me.
A few days ago I was talking with my friend Bella. She and I always ask each other questions that make us both think. We have already considered:
What is love?
Do you think it is wrong to be homosexual?
Do you think we know each other from another life?
What do you think happens when we die?
This weekend she told me that she had dreamt that I called her crying telling her that I had found out I was adopted, she commented that her dreams always revealed secrets to her and that I should look into that because maybe that was the answer to why I have felt strange most of my life.
This time my friend Bella's approach made me laugh a little, I don't think if I found out I was adopted it would change anything at all, I have never had a father, nor grandparents, only my mother, my 3 sisters and my 4 brothers. I don't deny that at times I wanted to feel what it was like to have the support of a father or to be spoiled by grandparents, but it hasn't been something that has kept me awake at night.
If I found out I was adopted, that would not answer the existential questions that are really important to me, about my true origin as a human being, that would only tell me that I was formed in a different womb than the womb of the one who all my life I have called mother and I don't think it would mean any change in me, I would still not know the real reason for my existence or where I will go when I die, if anywhere.
👽Now, if I discover that I am the daughter of an extraterrestrial that would be something exceptional, my being would be filled with joy and magic to know that our universe is much more than what we believe. I would like to meet my alien parents so that they could take me on a trip to another galaxy, but that only seems like something that happens in the movies.👽
Speaking again more realistically, if I found out that I was adopted, of course I would want to know who my blood mother is and the reasons that led her to get rid of me, if she died or just didn't want me in her life.
If I was engendered by a sexual violation, I would perfectly understand that woman and I would even like to go to comfort her. Now if it was another reason I would not look for her, however, if she were to look for me I would listen carefully to her motives, I do not promise to love her or hate her, I would just like to listen to her or hear it because if it was that my father was left alone with me and did not feel capable of taking care of me and preferred to give in to me I would also like to hear that story, just to know, maybe I will end up hating him or maybe I will gain a new friend, I do not know, it depends on what I hear and what I feel at that moment.
If I found out I was adopted maybe I would gain new people in my life or maybe I would make a lot of reproaches to "my real parents", it's hard to know what it would feel like or what I would do, I can't know, the only thing I am sure of in a situation like that is that I would adore a person much more than I already adore her and it is that woman I call mother, I would admire her even more and a situation like this would give me the certainty that a mother's love is not only given by blood relationship and that it is an immense and huge force, it is a love that I will never feel because I do not have children nor do I plan to have them.
With more than 30 years of life and with my brothers and sisters being adults too, everything would be the same for me, and I am sure it would be for them too.
Thanks for reading my participation, it is based on @Galenkp's proposal.
See you next time 😉