Intrusive Thoughts & Other Things

A lot of pain and mental stress we feel are self-inflicted and it takes a lot of awareness to come out of it. That's the thing with being very self-aware, it's kind of best friends with self-doubt and self-loathing, it is mostly what gets you to that low point. So you're just going round and round in circles if you continue to listen to the other guys more than you listen to Ms. Self-aware.

I have been journaling on paper again recently and I get to write how I feel which has been quite therapeutic. It is less stressful than juggling it all in my brain because pouring the words on paper feels like I'm emptying a jar of troubled thoughts through a tiny lid and I can't pour them back in.

This journal reminds me of a diary I used to have back in secondary school, it was small and it eased my mind in stressful times. Thinking back, I have been quite troubled for a long while and I shouldn't have been going through all of those intrusive thoughts at that age.

It is all of these things that have made me 'strong' and that's not something that pleases me or I would want my own children to feel. As kids, I want them to be bothered about kids stuff only, voice out curious thoughts, make silly mistakes and not have a villain origin story.

One day, you wake up an adult and realize you're messed up because you've simply always been messed up as a child and now you have to fix yourself. You get into this dark place once in a while that flashes the evils of the past in your face and the voices become loud and clear telling you what they always told you years ago.

Now, are you going to let them keep talking or are you going to shut them up because you do believe in yourself and never really stopped? Asking you to move on feels to you like you're being gaslighted but you know well that you can't change the past but can only attempt at making the future much better while trying to enjoy the present.

It's dark here (I mean literal darkeness)so I couldn't journal and I decided to use my phone -hive- instead for a random note. 🙃 I'm thinking about cake and how much my brain craves it but my mouth doesn't really want it because sugary food now irritates me. I'm also thinking about my dog and wondering when her labour is going to begin, I have to prep for my grandpuppies.