Navigating Parent-Child Relationships

I came across these interesting questions culled by @selfhelp4trolls about our relationship with our parents and I couldn't help but talk about mine. I feel bare talking about it but here goes.

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What role do/did your parents play in your life?

My parents have always been my 'parents'. Let me explain. I saw my dad as just a father, the one who would set me straight with a stern voice and gave me everything I requested for as long as he had it.

My mum was a stern one too but not in the same way as my dad. My entire relationship with my parents was one where I always had to be on best behaviour and not disappoint them. I lived in fear of my parents with anxiety that ate me up inside.

When I began making friends in school and learnt about their relationships with their parents, I was always in awe because I didn't know a relationship outside what I had with my parents was possible.

I couldn't have conversations with my mother because I always seemed to fall out of line and I'd be reminded I was only a child. I always felt maybe it's because she had me when she was much older so we couldn't relate properly.

It was mostly a 'do as I say' situation with my parents and I wasn't allowed my individuality neither was I friends with them. Our dynamic was not personal but I knew they loved me though and I loved them, still love them.

Has your relationship with your parents changed over the years?

Our relationship hasn't changed much over the years. Okay, maybe slightly. My dad has loosened up in recent years and isn't as tough as before. I have expressed my feelings to him a number of times and even when it looked like too much information for him, he listened and saw things from my perspective.

The moment I started university, I could tell my dad saw me as responsible enough and he trusted me to make decisions on my own. Still, I lived by his rules.

With my mum, our relationship changed about three years ago when I showed her I could scream the house down too lol. She said I became disrespectful but that really was the first time it felt like I was seen as an opinionated individual. I felt seen as a person and not just her child to be controlled.

Is there anything you wish your parents would do (or would have done) differently?

I wish my parents weren't so tough. I wish I was allowed to express myself more and allowed to know them as individuals with feelings rather than just parent figures. I know it was hard working, providing and caring at the same time in the hard economy. They wanted a better life for their children but at the same time, they neglected the bond that could have been.

How are you similar to your parents?

Honestly, I feel like I don't even know them enough to list our similarities. My husband mentioned that I walk like my mother and I was surprised to hear that. He said I smile like my dad too, another interesting fact. What I do know is that I have the same reserved personality like my dad and I look like him.

My parents do say that I feel like I'm always right and whenever they say that I'm like...yeah, we know where that comes from. untitled.gif

How are you different from your parents?

My parents care about how the society views them which is common with their generation but I don't. My decisions are not guided by societal standards and I always choose to go for what pleases me instead, which is usually the cause of our rifts.

Do you prefer a more involved relationship with your parents or more distance?

I always wanted a personal relationship with them, one where we would be involved in one another's lives and our bond was prioritized above everything else. I was practically an only child growing up because my brother already was in the university. You'd think we'd be very close for a family of four but that was not the case. My dad and brother can't even have a conversation that doesn't look like an interview.

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Now that I'm older, the burden is on me to have a relationship with my mum and that is just weird and feels forced. She complains I don't open up to her but I honestly don't know how to navigate that. I've kind of always been alone and figured things on my own.

I made peace with the fact that we're not close and don't agree most of the time several years ago. Plus, our relationship is way better long distance than when I live in the same space with her.

Well, I'm trying to do things differently and change the patterns I saw growing up. I'm unlearning and relearning certain behaviours I have picked up and challenging myself to be an involved parent to my children when I have them.

I don't just want a parent tag, I want to be a guide, friend and confidant because I do understand how a parent-child relationship is important for not just the physical but also the emotional and societal well-being of a child.

How's your own relationship with your parents? Join the CCQ contest here.

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Nigeria parents are no far from themselves, seems they were given a manual on the kind of relationship to have with their children.

I will jump on this contest.. thanks

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(Edited)

Yeah...most of them use the same playbook.

Waiting to read yours.

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Wao nice your parents have been so good to you and they have surely made you a great woman.. kudos to all the good parents out there.. my parents have played a good role in my life making me become the person I am today

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Lol...did you read the post?

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Yeah I did why did you ask

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Just wanted to know your opinion on parent-child relationship

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Well actually there are some things which one can't tell parents certainly. But to some parents it will be as if you are been secretive

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Reading through your blog, I will have to write my experience.

She complains I don't open up to her but I honestly don't know how to navigate that. I've kind of always been alone and figured things on my own.

I honestly do know that feeling because my mom also complains about it too but when we've not had that relationship before now, it isn't just possible to see myself telling her things about myself even when she can see that all isn't well with me.

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You get it. I don't know how to suddenly be friends.

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I guess you start with a step maybe with the little things 🤣🤣🤣, it's hard because I am trying to imagine myself doing that but it looks impossible.

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I think you're doing well for yourself👏. You've become an expressive and determined person and I know you'll create a close knit one for yourself. yep, you definitely look like more like your dad and have his complexion. I can also see similarities with your mum even in the smile. You know how couples look like each other after a while, so yea in the end you certainly took from both of them. Growing up I was close to my parents as the only child and I definitely had more freedom than most kids even though I personally set rules of my own and lived an isolated life of my own doing. I was in that category of people who wondered why others weren't close to their parents. However after I lost my mum, my relationship with my dad got strained for a couple of years esp after I traveled out of Nigeria. I blamed him a lot for her death until I learnt to forgive and I started picking his calls and taking the initiative to call him myself. It's far from perfect because when I call him once a week we speak for less than 5 mins and ask each other generic questions. I don't share my problems and challenges with him although I try to probe to ensure he's doing well. I worry about his health and I think my only joy in those conversations is in knowing he's still alive and happy. That's all I care about these days. Cheers.

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You've become an expressive and determined person and I know you'll create a close knit one for yourself.

I feel I will too. Thank you.

You know how couples look like each other after a while, so yea in the end you certainly took from both of them

It's so true. All older couples look alike to me.

You have quite a story! I love how you put an effort in making sure your dad's doing well. He'd appreciate that a lot.

Cheers girl, you're doing good.

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Nigerian parents 😅

I kinda feel that the Stern and strict way we were raised helped in some way, although I'd like to be more friendly with my children but not enough to accommodate disrespect.

Parents don't seem to know when their child is literally no longer a child anymore😅 And as the years pass, I appreciate all they did, both the ones that made me feel like I was gon move out of the house 🤣 and the good times.

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I wish my parents weren't so tough. I wish I was allowed to express myself more and allowed to know them as individuals with feelings rather than just parent figures.

I find this so sad. Sometimes I really don't blame them much because this is a replica of the training they received while growing up and they have consciously or unconsciously passed it down to their kids.

The funny thing is my mom is so cool. Sometimes annoying as regular Nigerian parents but I grew up being able to express my opinions and it made me a really confident person today.

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I find this so sad. Sometimes I really don't blame them much because this is a replica of the training they received while growing up and they have consciously or unconsciously passed it down to their kids.

It's true and I understand that. That's why I learnt to cut them some slack.

Sometimes annoying as regular Nigerian parents but I grew up being able to express my opinions and it made me a really confident person today.

Must be nice 🥺

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It is nice my dear

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