You Should Move Out
I really don't know what I'm driving at with this post. But let's see.
The other day I talked about how my mind was a jumbled mess and I couldn't function properly. I had to declutter and poke at the pieces to get myself back. I'm fine now, at least a little. One thing however struck me. My fiance was worried he had something to do with my mood and I pointed out it wasn't him. Maybe I missed him so much and I was waiting to run away from my current state to be with him.
I was bored and uninterested with life and it translated to me seeking happiness in him. Now I won't say it's a bad idea to seek happiness in people, there are no rules to this. You could love yourself all you want and be happy but human nature makes you long for someone else but yourself sometimes.
By default, I'm a happy person, I'm all smiles and giddy most of the time, the type of person you'd swear has it easy. Plot twist, I'm very unhappy and I know why. I'm sick of being in my parent's house, I should have moved out on my own a long while ago. I like to think for myself and do things at my own pace, it gets me results - good or bad, mostly good.
Living here has drained me and my mental health is shit. I'm not saying they don't love me or anything, but love comes in different forms and sometimes can go overboard becoming too pressuring, aggressive, unhealthy.
I've been a good kid all my life bounded by societal rules and expectations, not living a true expression of myself. Heck, I wasn't even self-aware for a long time because I've been put in a box for as long as I remember. I'm still been put in a box now and it drives me nuts.
It's almost time to pack up and leave, that's because I'm getting married but I wish I'd done this sooner. My anxiety is deeply rooted in living in fear and living up to expectations that are not mine all these years. I wish I left sooner. I should have left. It's hard leaving home as a young adult in Nigeria especially if you're from strict homes. But just fucking leave. Don't be like me.
Don't let them trick you with staying with a relative first even when you leave. That's just a way to still control you. I don't like being told what to do, especially when I was going to do it anyway. I don't like being undermined either, I'm fucking amazing, how dare you?
I'm in a constant state of reclusion here and the people who have known me all my life actually don't know me. I can tell because they're mostly shocked about others' perception of me. I'm living a shadow of myself.
So yeah, move out if you can't work around unnecessary pressure from home. Or anywhere else even. You likely have 70 years more to live so why be in spaces that make you unhappy?
Would I miss my parents? Yes. But I've long come to the realization that our relationship is better long distance.
So yeah, my mental health is shits and you should move out. Bye.
Hey sorry to hear and I can relate to your state of being. Feeling trapped sucks every last piece of energy out of you and living for the well being of the others and their expectations is the most unhealthy thing for yourself. The guilt they manage to put upon you is taking you hostage. Often with small, subtle things, a word here, a look there and always the lingering feeling that you are responsible if they feel bad.
It's a vicious cycle for yourself.
I know that words are not changing your situation, but maybe it helps to know that there are people out there that can relate to your feelings. The road is hard and bumpy, maybe long but once in a while there will be a light shining, reminding you to keep going, to find yourself. Grab whatever you can that can be this light for a moment...and then challenge the task of finding it within you. I'm on my own journey of finding that light within me and keeping it from fading away again.
Sending you good thoughts from Germany :)!
You really do understand. Thanks for your kind words. I'm holding on to my light.
You are welcome :) I hope things change for the better soon...see ya!
Some things like this are definitely better done at a distance. I put up with my family (besides my dad, he's ok lol) but could I live in a house with all of them again? Absolutely NOT. We need to be able to get out on our own with our partners and be ourselves and who we want to be, not what they try to push upon is.
Hopefully all of this mess comes and goes for you soon, the better you can move on!
It's time to go. Although I felt weak when my dad asked me yesterday if I was really moving far from home. He hasn't come to terms with it yet 😌
Yeah I hear you. I told my dad that we want to move over a thousand miles away and he still doesn't really believe me that we are going to do it once we have the opportunity.