TDP: A State of Mind

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(Edited)


(source: http://www.edvardmunch.org)

Being an adult isn't easy. It isn't. I remember being a child and desperately waiting to grow old enough to be considered an "adult" so I wasn't encumbered by other people's rules. Oh how little I knew.

The only thing worse than being an adult is being a teenager. It is incredibly difficult to be a teenager. It was difficult when I was a teenager about 100 years ago, and it's certainly difficult now in the age of instant-everything and the non-stop, ever-seeing eye of social media.

It's hard.

Growing up, I grew to hate the word just. The word just, as a verb, is one of my least favourite words ever. I am not referring to the adjective just, as in justice, but the verb, as in just do .

Not only do I not like it, I hate it. Loathe it. Despise it with all my being. Using the word "just" to "encourage" anyone to do anything absolutely minimizes, and greatly trivializes, the efforts that the person may have in performing the action that follows it. I've been on the receiving end of it enough that I'm about ready to punch the next person who says it right in their smug face.

  • "Just go to sleep." Well, I can't, I've got insomnia and I'm suffering abnormal stress.
  • "Just get your homework done." I'd love to, but I'm super-stressed and can't focus.

And so on. The second of those two answers, when given to either of my parents, would be answered with "What do you have to be stressed about? You're just a kid."

Just. Fuck. Right. Off.

I've been reminded about my hatred of that putrid word a lot lately. Several weeks ago my son was re-admitted into the day-program - outpatient program - at a local hospital to help him fight off some depression. Depression serious enough to give him some suicidal thoughts. It's a difficult thing as a parent to live through. It must be far more difficult for him. I also suffer depression, though not to that extent. I've been through days where the thought of getting out of bed and having to face the world is the absolute worst thing in the world; I've had those days where it seems like nothing matters, and I've had those days where the warm, comforting thought that puts me to sleep is the one that reminds me that, one day, all will pass, and all struggling will come to an end. It isn't a thought that made me want to die, but it has been a comforting thought that gave me peace of mind.

Now, imagine having those thoughts when you're a teenager and going through all the bullshit that teenagers already go through. And then imagine having your grandmother tell you to "just get over it."

Right.

I hate that word.

When she said that to my son I was ready to pull him away and never let her see him again. I didn't, of course, but had a talk to my son afterward. No ones emotions should be trivialized. Ever.

It has been a long few weeks. I like to think that I spend time with my children already, but I think I've noticed that I could do better; he and I have spent a lot of time together lately, whether it's simply going out for a drive to calm down, or going shopping and then spending the day playing card games. There are days that I've wanted to tell him to give me some room and let me be, but I suspect that his depression has a whole lot to do with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and low self-esteem. The only thing I can think of that I can do to help him is spend time with him, even if it means foregoing my other activities. Priorities.

So my Hive activities are limited as we navigate through some turbulent life-waters, and I've yet to decorate for Halloween (my favourite time of year), but the payout is worth it, or will be worth it. Stress is high, but manageable.

I ordered a couple pizzas for dinner the other day and was a little perturbed to find a rather expensive 'delivery fee' tacked on the bill in addition to a customary tip. Seeing it was nearly enough to make me cancel the order, but I was really not interested in making dinner that night (laziness won out, I suppose), so the order was sent. The delivery person delivered on a bicycle, not a car, and I remember being a little annoyed about that, too - not that he was delivering on a bicycle, which I actually appreciate, but that I paid a delivery for it. When he came up the steps I recognized him; he's a nice young gentlemen who used to work at a local grocery store before it went out of business, and I realized that this is what he's doing to try to make ends meet. Paying a little extra suddenly didn't really matter anymore; I was actually happy to do it to help him out, even just a little bit.

It's nice to do something nice for people at random. One never knows what they might be going through.

p.s., this was intended to be a #thoughtfuldailypost #tdp for @wesphilbin, but I completely forgot to put the tags in. I even forgot to put a subject line in. Oops.


(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe


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General all around problem-solver and creative type.

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18 comments
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Oh my, you nailed it perfectly in your assessment of the word "just." It's fine as a Nike slogan, and is motivating in that context. But in any other context it really does minimize what a person is feeling and experiencing, and the hurdles they may be facing.

I relate to this more than I can say. My son is also going through stuff (and was also recently hospitalized briefly as a result), and I have had many sleepless nights fretting. And people give advice from their views and experience, having no clue what this is about or how to parent this particular kid. I've been advised to use tough love. Are you kidding me?

I suspect that his depression has a whole lot to do with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and low self-esteem.

Yes... those are the people who need extra care, extra understanding, extra availability on our part. There's no "just...."

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Thank you so much for understanding! Mental health is definitely just as important as physical health and isn't something to "just get over." Advice is typically something best left ignored, for sure.

About the best things I can offer him are patience, time, love, and whatever professional help we can muster. On the plus side, he's coming to me more than he usually has to play games. 🙂

I hope your son makes some progress soon, too! The only thing worse than being a teenager is being the parent of a teenager; whichever heartbreak they go through, we go through worse.

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Wishing you good luck and the energy you need to help you and your shots n at this time

I will be honest I don’t think I had ever given much thought to the word you despise but now I see it in a whole different light and a dark light at that I can see how demoralizing it must come across at times

Stay strong

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Thanks for the kind words! We ended up having a really good weekend, and I'll take any victory we can get right now. Now the boy just needs to catch up on school!

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Goodness, I'll be in your blacklist I guess, because I know, all my writing has your despicable word, "Just". Reading this, I have to start paying attention to the words I use, and how I use them, thanks for the eye opening text.

I hope that you will find the courage to stay with your son till he recovers regardless of what you will be missing out as you keep him company

However, I thought, what If you ask him to join Hive, and share his thoughts with us?. He is likely to find friends and people who share his empathy. It might help with taking away his depression because Hive certainly has an opium for positivity and it's hidden in each of the people I have found here

Your son might no longer need your company for support that much, because he will find solace with documenting his health journey, and knowing that more than one pair of eyes will be reading them, and interacting too.

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Hahaha, no, no one is on my blacklist other than Nazi's, so no worries at all. 😃

I actually have encouraged him to join Hive, or something similar, to be able to meet with new people and chat. He has politely declined. He does have friends he chats with, but strictly on Discord, which is far more real time.

We had a really good weekend together. He actually laughed! That was great to see again. He'll get better; it just tears me apart seeing him like this right now. Looking forward to better times!

Thank you for dropping by and your kind words!

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Hahaha, no, no one is on my blacklist other than Nazi's, so no worries at all.

Oh, this is such a relief ☺️

I actually have encouraged him to join Hive, or something similar, to be able to meet with new people and chat. He has politely declined. He does have friends he chats with, but strictly on Discord, which is far more real time.

If he does have friends he talked to, then it's okay. Let's give him time, maybe, he will come around to hive, one day, I have faith.

We had a really good weekend together. He actually laughed! That was great to see again.

It's great to know he is actually smiling again. I am happy to hear this too

He'll get better; it just tears me apart seeing him like this right now. Looking forward to better times!

Don't worry, sir, everything will be fine, I believe it in my heart.

Thank you for dropping by and your kind words!

You are welcome

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@wwwiebe

You know I get it. As parents, we automatically have that 'self-blame' thing going on...

I was always at work...

I should have spent more time...

But... I was raised with the mindset of... "You work hard. You love harder. You take care of family".
A concept my ex-wife didn't share... hence the "ex".

I could go on rambling, about how I am dealing with my son moving out on bad terms, but this is your post. However... I think my mindset was a positive one. It's a #thoughtfuldailypost... and I appreciate your sharing this with us. Positive energy and love your way brother.

!LUV @tipu curate !WINE

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A concept my ex-wife didn't share... hence the "ex".

Haha. Yeah, I can appreciate that.

The truth is, as parents, we do the best that we can in the moment and make the best decisions we can. At least, we should.

You're always welcome to ramble. I've certainly done it enough!

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Oh I am okay brother. My sentiment was... creating my #thoughtfuldailypost tag, movement, initiative... whatever you wish to call it, let's other's know "I'm not alone. I'm not the only one." and "I've got a place to share these thoughts",

You know I appreciate your offer however! DM has the revolving door aye?

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Do you know I just came across this post tonight, when I was supposed to be scripting #MarketFriday, but, well, there is always later, right?

Oh, just. That. You summed it up nicely with that one. That word has a way of making everything overwhelming, yes? Just. As if the world will turn right side up if you just do it. If it did, you wouldn't need to use just people. Pavlov has proven that.

I know you have been going through a time, for a long time. Having a teenager is tough enough, but, then adding a little bit of depression, loneliness, and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and low self-esteem? Hello? I can't deal with all of that as an adult, can you imagine what that feels like inside his head? It's overwhelming and coping with the stress of being a teen, and dealing with things that are overwhelming to the senses...I am sure he is unable to see that he can turn his life around — and that suicide is a permanent response, not a solution, to a temporary problem. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know you have heard it and you have done what many parents won't do. Get him the help he needs.

Shame on your Mother-in-law. You don't just get over it. That is an insensitive and callous remark and I don't even know her. You are definitely a great dad, Victor. We all could spend more time doing things, but, you are a single father trying to be all that you can be. Take good care of yourself, so that you are able to keep on doing. I think you do a lot of things above and beyond, always looking for something fun and something that will keep your boys engaged.

I'm sorry I missed this.

You also know my office hours are I am here anytime. Hit me up. Well, don't hit me, or I'll tell. But, you know what I mean.

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Hi, it’s great to have bicycles delivery service haven’t seen that for a while, I remember in Montreal when I was a kid, all convenient store had a delivery service with those 3 wheels bike, a big basket under the 2 from wheels. The good olds days. Thank you for the follow.

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I remember those, too! And Dickie Dee tricycles. Definitely a memory!

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