One of my biggest fears
I was raised more or less as an only daughter. I have an older sister who's 14 years older than me but when I got old enough to need a sister around, she left for the UK and we never exactly got to have a relationship per se. So, I was an only girl with 6 older brothers.
Thanks to my brothers, I got accustomed to the make folk. I spent most of my time with my 2 older brothers and for a long while, I didn't have any female friends. Well, I never had any luck with female friends. They always gave me a vibe I couldn't understand.
For instance, when I was 11 I had a friend named Juliet. My parents warned me against her. They didn't quite like her but she was the only friend I had at the time before we got other friends, Ebi and Precious. But Juliet was my closest.
Juliet lied a lot. I mean she told me unbelievable stories and I believed because I couldn't understand the reason to lie to me. She lied about her family, her home and her life. I visited her and found out all her stories were made up.
The crazy part is when I approached her about it she told me I was the dumb person for believing her because her stories were unbelievable. Then, she stopped talking to me for about 2 weeks. I had no other friends so I was alone. I always hid and tried to be unnoticed at the time so making friends was hard and she knew it. Later on, we got back into our loving fake friendship.
During the same period, I got attacked by a group of girls for doing the right thing. It's not a story I've told often.
There was a girl in school who forced her way into my group of friends and decided to be a bully. She would steal my backpack and my lunch, run away and show up when recess was over. She was also the niece of a teacher and she spoke badly about this teacher so often. It was weird because that teacher happened to be one of the few nice ones we had.
I hated that girl. Her presence was so toxic and authoritative so I reported her to her aunt. She got severely punished and removed from the school. Right after that, a group of girls spotted me when I was alone. They pushed me to a corner and said they would ruin me for what I did to their fellow riff-raff of a friend.
I got saved by a girl who became a very close friend and is unfortunately dead right now. She was a sweet soul and I know she has found peace.
I think after that experience I got more afraid of my gender. I've been threatened more by ladies than I have by men and I have never been able to understand it.
Recently, I found myself in a class with 9 other ladies and no male. I was terrified. I made the conscious effort to always think properly before I speak in order not to offend someone but I got a bit too free the last few days and apparently, my casual jokes have offended 2 people in 2 days.
Although I currently have 5 close female friends, I still have to consider the words I say to them before I do. I don't filer my words with my male friends and I guess this is due to my upbringing with males.
I tend to be freer with the male folk. To the extent where most of them consider me to be a female who can take a joke. I can't say I'm not emotional or words don't get to me sometimes but I tend to understand when they aren't coming from a place of harm.
I love being female and I love females. I love my close friends with my entire heart. However, sometimes, I feel apart from the lot and it makes me distant.
Do you ever feel that way sometimes? Or am I just not getting something right?