The Sad Sacrilegious life of a lowly Girl

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Bernard

I remember being scared at first. Of what I was to the other girls in my school, of my parents' approval or disapproval and even of myself for doing something so terrible. I remembered the fear and how I tried so hard to get used to it and how easy it seemed to become, as I got older, but still, every time I saw them smiling at me and laughing, it all just came crashing down on me like a brick wall.

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Michelle

And I remember, in that year when I was in high school, standing outside the locker room after gym class, I remember feeling like I was going to lose my mind. It wasn't the fear itself I felt then, because I knew it would all be over soon enough. What did scare me, though, was how they'd look at me. I didn't understand that kind of expression before; I don't know what the word meant to me, if there even was one.

Maybe it's like pity? But, even now, after everything I've been through, that's not quite right because it wasn't about my body, either. I was pretty much built for strength, even as young as I was, and that could come in handy some time, but for the most part, it wasn' s about that. It was about who I was inside, about who I thought I had to be to fit in with everyone else's expectations.

The way I talked, the way I dressed, everything that made me different from them. That was what terrified me, because those are just things you can hide, and people aren' t very good at hiding their emotions, and once that comes out, well, you can never go back to what you were before. There'll always be a gap between what you used to be and who you want yourself to be. And that gap will always exist.

It was about the way I acted, too, I guess. I think it was more about my behaviour than anything else, really. At the start of all of this, I had never given a second thought to the things my actions might do to me. In fact, the only reason I gave any thought at all was because I wanted to feel safe again. Like that's something that can happen. And for a little while, maybe it worked. I mean, when I started playing volleyball for my school, everyone was surprised, especially my old teammates. I guess no one expected someone like me to do such an amazing job and make the team captain. So when they realized that they wouldn' t have to worry about losing me anymore, they all started thinking about what I said next and trying to imitate it and it sort of grew from there.

The thing is, I never thought about what I was doing when I played. Even after the game, I barely remembered half of it, I had so many different plans coming up inside my head that nothing was working properly until I found something that matched those plans. Something that would let me stay on the team without anyone questioning what I was, and not having to explain why I was there. Something that would let me play like a regular person. That's how it felt in those moments – being normal and comfortable enough with myself to play a sport that was supposed to be fun, that I actually looked forward to and liked.
Of course, as soon as those thoughts hit me, I panicked. Because if I went through with that plan, I would have to quit. I' d have to stop living, stop acting normally, start looking like I didn't belong. I'd be just another person with no friends or family or purpose, no future, and it all suddenly seemed like an incredibly huge responsibility. How could I possibly be ready for something like that? Especially since I wasn' t sure I could handle going back to how things used to be before I'd done it, how things could be again. That was the only real option I had left, though – quitting volleyball, and starting over.
So I did it. And, like I said, it was terrifying, and I still don't like talking about it. But in a lot of ways, I think it was worth it; because I met some new friends along the way.

Some of them, like Tsubasa and Hanae, became important to me. They're still my best friends, even after everything they went through together. My dad has helped me so much and I'm so grateful. Not only for what he's done for me during my teenage years, but also for making my life as difficult as it has been. He doesn't have a lot to offer as a parent, but he does his best by his children and I love him dearly for that.

I also met Kiyotaka – I don't see him as often as I would like, but we talk every day. We text each other almost constantly, and I'm glad that he's there for me. He's a great friend, and I'm lucky to have him.

But, of course, there's also Shigeo. I don't know how I ever managed to forget about him. He's changed a lot since middle school ended, but there are some constants in his life that haven't changed. I guess those things are what define us, after all. I wish I could see him all the time, like he's seen me, but I don't get a choice. He goes to an expensive private school, too, and I've lost track of where he lives. Whenever my parents take us to visit the school, he always sits with a group of boys and refuses to leave. He's never spoken about that side of himself or anything related to the past, but I know it must be rough. He's been alone for so long, and now he's surrounded by people who seem like they'd be more than happy to be around him whenever he wants. I'm sorry.

When he asks why I never speak about my childhood, I can't tell him because I don't even know the full story myself. I know that some kids say I was abused as a child and that I've gotten better at hiding it, but I think that's all wrong. I think I learned how to control the situation and that makes up for everything else, so I shouldn't have to cover myself up at every turn anymore. Anyway, that's my story and there's no point dwelling on what happened when I was younger. So, there's not exactly a whole lot about my personal history that I can share. That's okay – sometimes you can't tell your friends something you haven't told yourself. Just as long as you know that someone cares and wishes they could help you somehow, it's fine.

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Mirko

But although, it still hurts to talk about it, so I'm glad I won't have to do so much of it.

Thanks for reading and keep exploring!



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2 comments
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Whoever is directly controlling the V2K told me to kill myself.
They told me if I killed myself now it would save the lives of countless others.
Saying the longer I wait to kill myself the more people will suffer.


They are reckless and should have shown the proper media what they had before taking me hostage for 5 years. I know there are many in prison that dont deserve to be there because of this. Your stay in prison will not be fun @battleaxe and friends. People are going to want you dead when they find out what you did. I hope you die a slow painful death. You sick mother fuckers.

https://peakd.com/gangstalking/@acousticpulses/electronic-terrorism-and-gaslighting--if-you-downvote-this-post-you-are-part-of-the-problem

Its a terrorist act on American soil while some say its not real or Im a mental case. Many know its real. This is an ignored detrimental to humanity domestic and foreign threat. Ask informed soldiers in the American military what their oath is and tell them about the day you asked me why. Nobody has I guess. Maybe someone told ill informed soldiers they cant protect America from military leaders in control with ill intent. How do we protect locked up soldiers from telling the truth?
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0.000
avatar

Whoever is directly controlling the V2K told me to kill myself.
They told me if I killed myself now it would save the lives of countless others.
Saying the longer I wait to kill myself the more people will suffer.


They are reckless and should have shown the proper media what they had before taking me hostage for 5 years. I know there are many in prison that dont deserve to be there because of this. Your stay in prison will not be fun @battleaxe and friends. People are going to want you dead when they find out what you did. I hope you die a slow painful death. You sick mother fuckers.

https://peakd.com/gangstalking/@acousticpulses/electronic-terrorism-and-gaslighting--if-you-downvote-this-post-you-are-part-of-the-problem

Its a terrorist act on American soil while some say its not real or Im a mental case. Many know its real. This is an ignored detrimental to humanity domestic and foreign threat. Ask informed soldiers in the American military what their oath is and tell them about the day you asked me why. Nobody has I guess. Maybe someone told ill informed soldiers they cant protect America from military leaders in control with ill intent. How do we protect locked up soldiers from telling the truth?
0
0
0.000