Black Cat in a Dark Room

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(Edited)

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I must confess, that Hive Fest threw me completely off track.😜 My consciousness resists and clings to an alternate reality.

How can I move forward if don't feel the grip on the ground? Like a crazy cow on ice.

You get used to good things quickly. Perhaps good emotions also need to be dosed. Or maybe it's a whole year without a vacation and a normal weekend adversely affects at my age. Perhaps it is not due to age, but due to circumstances.

Big thanks to @rubencress for the photo

For 2 weeks, I was pretty unhinged, struggling with the unwillingness to do my work, yes the one I am paid for. It was something on a physical layer, when not even my mind but my body struggled and said NO!

I hate myself for this. If English were my native language, I should have sworn here. But I can't do it as elegantly as native speakers.


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Good vs Evil

Even the strongest person needs inspiration. I believe that if there is something that can make me move forward it is good, not evil. It cannot be hatred, pain, or revenge. Although these are very powerful energy and can be a kickoff it's up to you to turn them from poison to cure.

It seems to me that the Russians are fighting in Ukraine not to make their own life better, but to make our life worse. Their struggle is doomed.


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News

My husband or informational hygiene? What a choice!

We talk every day, we discuss things but his life is ... war. For him, the successes and failures of our AF are his successes and failures. His main focus and sense. It's his way, coz he is much stronger, but not mine. It is very difficult to find a fragile balance between my own needs and the needs of a loved one.

I noticed that many of my acquaintances live in their own little bubbles. I have my small bubble as well.

In fact, I really missed the good news. Those that bring joy and satisfaction that last, and you don't have to tell yourself that it's too early for celebration, because tomorrow bad news may come.

Books

Ukrainians are slowly and cautiously returning to reading books. And me too. Before the war, I started reading a very interesting book. It made me look at myself and people from a new angle. Now it makes me feel depressed and anxious. When I read it before sleep, a sleepless night is guaranteed.

I don't know which book I would like and could read. What about?

On the other hand, I don't like to leave things unfinished. And I'm really interested to read it to the end.

Do what you want

My friend shared the wonderful news with me recently. She quit! Now her time, her inspiration, ideas, and energy belong only to her. How beautiful it is! Fre-e-e-e-edom!

Each time it takes me longer to get back into my normal rhythm after a break, like vacation or HiveFest. I ask myself - what exactly am I missing?

Is the reason really in the lack of rest, or in what my day is?

What is this mysterious fifth element, a filter that makes the same thing look dull yesterday and bright tomorrow?

What if I'm not honest with myself, and it's time to change my destination point or the plan for how to reach it?

But is it a good idea to give up what you have saved now during a war and do a sharp turn? And probably to lose even what is left?

Or... it is a unique opportunity for big changes that will never come again?

Damn, it's like looking for a black cat in a dark room.

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Look Back, and Look Forward

I asked myself - what do you dream about? I tried to be honest with myself.

The first thing that comes to mind is that I really want us to finally win and end the war. In my dream, I do not see what will happen to Russia. But I see that Ukraine will return occupied lands, and people will live in peace again. Work, build, raise children.

Then I asked again - what do you want to yourself? This question hurts me. I don't know what to answer.

Of course, I would like to be able to travel again, and finally buy a damn camera and a cool lens (hello to those who watched my presentation, because this is what I was going to say and I'm almost sure I said it). But this is not a dream, as it's not a dream "to order pizza". The place for a dream is still vacant.


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Family

You know, I still have a weird feeling that some people whom I know here on Hive are real! LOL. This is a dual feeling because in reality they are different! If you didn't attend HiveFest 2022, but you are reading me, know that I am also not what you imagine me to be.

And yes, those people I met in Amsterdam gave me a nice feeling of family. I miss it so much...

But back to the blood relationship. My boring summer among concrete of high-rise buildings was diluted with my daughter's visit. She came to see me over the weekend, and I was going to tell you about our lovely time together. But, as in most cases, I couldn't make it. The high mood faded before I made a post.

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I am going to see her next weekend, it's very soon! And I'm excited and looking forward to seeing her, my mom and other families. A reason to dress up! And to write about it, hopefully.

And then the Indian summer will come, and bring some warmth and walks.

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This is not the end but I will just quit.

Thanks for your patience, and for lending a hand and an ear.

Before finally submitting this post, I asked myself what for is it. Isn't it better to write this down in a paper diary and don't disturb the community?

This is a question I have an answer to. Diary cannot give me a reply. It cannot agree or disagree, make me doubt. It's just silent. Unlike you. And this is what I appreciate the most

🖤




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39 comments
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Don't let the bastards grind you down!

If I hadn't read the blog, I would have assumed you were sisters, you have good genes !!!
Stay strong

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If I hadn't read the blog, I would have assumed you were sisters

Thank you ❤️ We are, at a quick glance )))

It must be easier to stay strong when you see your enemy and can smash his face. It's worse when you are dragged into an invisible web day by day... But I try hard! 💪

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👍❤️💪
We read so much rubbish in the western media about this illegal invasion, it is difficult what to believe, nuclear war this, putin has got cancer that. Your blog is so much more real. Stay safe.

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"Isn't it better to write this down in a paper diary and don't disturb the community?"

Your presence in my Feed of bloggers is always a delight! 😊 I am so happy to hear you will see your daughter & Mom again soon! Such exciting news! 💕

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The more exciting news is to come... 😉🥂

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But this event made my whole week 😊

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The photos are amazing, I love them...

Yesterday I didn't sleep. I didn't sleep in the last 24 hours, It started happening again, sleepless nights. I don't know what I am thinking, I guess I can't figure it out. Sometimes it's hard for me to write about my emotions, I can relate my feelings to you...

Stay strong :)... Sending love to you...

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You too? I couldn't fall asleep tonight too. I blame a book, I should not read it in bed.

Once, my sleepless nights upset me very much. But now it's a part of my being and I am not focused on it. I am worried too much as far as I look like normal ) But still hope it will get better.

I wish I could give you some good advice, but... all I can say is hold on, the war will end one day. One happy day ✨

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Well, I guess mine is happening because of stress, I really don't know why this is happening with me but it is happening. I am worried about my future, to be honest, and at this point, I don't know anything.

Sending you a lot of love and hope you will feel better...

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Stay strong! Our thoughts are with you and your people, day after day!

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Sending positive vibes. Do you need more of those addictive Belgian sweets to raise your mood?

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I'm happy to see you smiling again and taking part in the Hive fest as I'm sure it helped you a lot to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people IRL :)

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Meeting so many new interesting people IRL for such a long while was very inspiring, and I'd be happy to leave my "comfort zone" for this again ))

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You don't look old enough to have a grown up daughter! You look lovely together.

You are definitely not disturbing anyone, let it out girl!!

With all good wishes. ❤️

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It was something on a physical layer, when not even my mind but my body struggled and said NO!

Do you think it might your body and mind sending you a strong signal that you may be approaching a burnout and need to take a break for a period of recovery, before you really “hit the wall” (as we say in Swedish “att gå in i väggen”) and will have to take a much longer time off work to recover properly?

Hope that you will manage to find a way with your employer to take a leave to take care of yourself! 🙏

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I think about that a lot actually. It looks like that, unfortunately. Before the war, I thought about changing companies. Another project, another team. Now I just want a break, not to do anything else, but to do nothing.

But I need a constant and stable income for the next 2 years, and my job is the only thing that can provide it. So I have to appreciate it now more than before. That's the irony...

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Я теж мрію, щоб скоріше закінчилася війна, і всі українці залишилися живими!!!
А донечка дуже схожа на свою матусю!!!)))

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На жаль, кожен день війни коштує життів.

А донечка дуже схожа на свою матусю!!!)))

Дякую ) На то вона і донечка ))

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I am happy to see that you managed to attend Hive Fest. Good for you! I hope your soul and state of mind will slowly start to heal, the war leaves so much trauma

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I am happy to see that you managed to attend Hive Fest.

My only regret is that I did not attend in previous years ) Who would have thought?!

Good for you! I hope your soul and state of mind will slowly start to heal

It gets better slowly, I can't complain. If to compare me now and what I was a few months ago )

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I'm not sure how you haven't burned out, honestly. Just for good measure, you did escape to the HiveFest, which was a much-needed reprieve from life, but, the angst and hell to get there almost took away the joy. Until you got there! I am so glad you got there and met these people who have been waiting for you.

Everyone is different in real person. When I see people on 3speak, they still look different in person. I cannot imagine what it would be like to willingly go back home after being away from all that. Guilt that you got out and enjoyed? The horror that you didn't want to go back on some level? I know, Nick and Nat and your mom, but. .. it is only a dream. I think you are fighting so hard to be strong, and my God! You are strong. But, I believe a true renewal of your soul is needed. I know, there are no genies. It is just me thinking out loud.

I am so happy you are going to see Nat and your mom XO I hope you have a wonderful time and you bottle up some of that love and take it home with you. You are such a beautiful soul.

Love to you.

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Your words are always thoughtful. I think so much recently, and ask myself same questions even if I think I know the answer.
Half the people I spoke to were surprised that I was coming back. And I was surprised by their reaction. It would be logical to flee when it was dangerous, now it no longer makes sense.
On other hand, no matter where I am, I have to work and work hard. This is only my fault and I am awared... I cannot take a break, and if there is something that can replenish my strength, it's here. And what brings me down me will be with me everywhere I go.

But the light that I brought home in my heart from Amsterdam no one can take away ) I feel no guilt for that I went, and my family supported me all the way. They said - go and have some rest or fun, you deserve it. They are so nice, and I feel lucky.

Thank you for being here. You always bring sunshine to my end of world!

XOXO

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I believe that when there is finally peace that things will start to calm down. You are extremely sensitive to the events and energy is going on around you. And the emotional toll that it takes having a loved one in a war zone, is extremely draining.

Hopefully you can find some way to recharge!

And the entire world is watching the events unfold and the complete and utter destruction of the Russian war machine by their own actions.

I have a feeling that very quickly Crimea will be returned to Ukrainian hands.

And we are going to see Russia either fragment into a civil war or end up paying reparations and rebuilding all the Ukrainian infrastructure that was destroyed.

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I am going to see her next weekend, it's very soon! And I'm excited and looking forward to seeing her, my mom and other families. A reason to dress up! And to write about it, hopefully
I hope you have a wonderful time :)

Each time it takes me longer to get back into my normal rhythm after a break, like vacation or HiveFest. I ask myself - what exactly am I missing?

It sounds like you are no longer interested in your daily schedule. To be happy, you will either need to rediscover what brought you joy, or make some changes...

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As my former boss liked to say - I'm working on it

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