Babbling Blog Post #1801920

I thought that I would write up a blog post today and allow myself to ramble about a few things that have been on my mind over the past few days. Actually, not only the past few days; some of these rambling thoughts have been babbling at the back of my mind for months now.

In previous babbling blog posts, I've mentioned that I'm unemployed and seeking work. That hasn't changed. I have, however, given up on seeking work in a physical location in town. My anxiety has flown through the roof, out into space, and has shot over to Andromeda.

Part of me wonders if it's just this town. We first moved here when I was a teenager back in 2002 or so and I was mostly normal until reaching adulthood. Then the anxiety started. At one point I could barely leave the house without freaking out. When I left this town in 2012, it was as though a switch had flipped within me and the anxiety just went away.

Ever since coming back at the end of 2020, it's slowly been creeping back. Not to the extent it once was, but I'm jittery as hell. If someone talks to me, I'm contemplating it for hours afterwards; if I go for a job interview, my nerves scream out, I'm trembling, voice shaking, I'm inarticulate, and then once I've left, I have a little cry to myself. I've failed. Again.

When Crypto was high, my problems were solved for a little bit. I could withdraw my HBD to help with the finances and slowly keep raising my Hive Power to keep upvoting people at a decent level. Then it started falling, I had to power down a little bit, and I'm at 12k now and I don't want to power down any more.

Due to my anxiety trainwrecking everything, I thought that I would seek online work instead. I've learnt that I can't do Inbound Callcentre work. But I thought Outbound Callcentre work would be fine. Just read off a script, get hung up on, whatever. I'm the one making the calls. I know what I would be saying. I wouldn't be sitting here, freaking out whenever the phone rang and wondering how I'm going to stuff up this time.

Unfortunately, all the Outbound Callcentre places I found wanted previous experience. Oh my god. Can't even be a telemarketer without experience. What the actual hell?

So I looked for transcription work. I had an interview for that earlier this year. That was for a proper business in Brisbane, seeking to employ the best of the best. Generally, my typing speed is around 100wpm but I soon discovered that trying to maintain that speed whilst listening to audio was very difficult. My test transcription to get that job was not good at all and, I didn't get the job.

However! I thought that I would look around for more places to try out this transcription thing. Found a business that hires freelancers, did their test and was told to wait up to 8 weeks to hear back due to overwhelming interest. I only did that a few days ago, and heard back today. Hooray! I'm good enough for them!

Since it's freelance work, I'll really have to be on the ball. I might only make $10 one day and $30 the next. But every little bit helps, you know? They reckon someone just dabbling along can make around $100 a week, but someone fully into it can make $400 a week. That's USD so it'll be a bit more for me once converted to AUD.

It's not a $772 a week job (minimum wage), but it's something I can do, at home, to actually contribute, and not have a public panic attack meltdown in the middle of town.

I almost actually had one yesterday just picking my son up from school. A little public teary.

A couple of old friends moved back to town and their son now goes to the same school as my son. One would think that I would be overjoyed. Unfortunately, fifteen or so years ago, when I last saw them, I was a dickhead. I was so much of a dickhead, that I actually blocked out that I was a dickhead and completely forgot why we stopped talking to one another, until out of the blue a few years ago one of them messaged me, trying to renew the friendship, and I was all, "I don't even know why we stopped talking!" ... "Because you were a dickhead." And then the memories came back.

Well, now they're back in town, and I'm going to see them every morning and every afternoon at the school.

On Tuesday I saw them for the first time, tried to get talking, I was anxious and I think I've become deaf over the years because I could hardly hear what they were saying and I felt like an idiot. On Wednesday it was a bit better, I calmed myself, forced my ears to become hyperalert and actually listen, but there were so many awkward silences and I was trying to engage in conversation but when something happens like:

Them: "Such and such happened."
Me: "Oh? Why did such and such happen?"
Them: "It just did."
Me: "...okay."

Well, that doesn't leave much room for a conversation, does it? I'm not the best at social interaction, but come on, how does someone work with that?

Then yesterday, they didn't even look at me (okay, they were talking to someone else) and I was just sitting there, waiting for my son to come out, trying my hardest not to cry. It's all my fault anyway, what do I have to cry about? Made my bed, now, fifteen years later, as a completely different person with different ideals and opinions and thoughts and beliefs, I have to lie in it.

I don't know if we can ever be friends again. They're now just people that I used to know. And we used to be the closest of closest friends. And now they're just people I'm going to look at, give a 'hello smile' to, and walk away from.

Or it's entirely possible that I'm just overly emotional at the moment which exacerbated my thoughts and feelings yesterday. It's almost the time of the month and I'm probably a hormonal wreck.

At the start of the year I stopped taking the pill. I'm 35. I want a child with my partner before it's too late. As a consequence, every time of the month since then I've become an emotional beast prone to tears and upset. You don't realise just how much the pill controls your feelings until you go off them.

I just wish it would happen already. Apparently once you're in your 30s it can take a lot longer. Now, every time it's the time of the month, I hormonally cry a few days beforehand, and then cry when it comes because it's actually come and I'm not pregnant yet.

It will happen. Surely.

Anyway, that's my rambling babble for today. A lot of stuff I just wanted to get off my chest. Probably stuff that doesn't need to be shared, but you know what? I'm sharing it anyway.

If you read all of this, thank you. ❤️

 

Until next time.

 

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_{All photos in this post are courtesy of me, @kaelci and you've probably already seen them before on previous blog/photo posts of mine because I'm lazy and am recycling old photos.}