Showcase Sunday: From Back When the Community Was 'Inspiring'

in funny •  2 months ago  (edited)

NoNamesLeftToUse  Sunday cover.png

Good day to you, the reader of this.  I hope you're enjoying your lazy Sunday.  If you're not then you're in luck because I've arrived in a timely manner to offer up some hope for the future in the form of humor.

Once upon a time there was a platform called Steemit and it was full of garbage.  Many people would complain but nobody could hear them over the obnoxiously loud trending posts.

Many folks pounced all over the opportunity to 'pretend' to be popular by self voting their work to the top trending slots by purchasing votes, a ridiculous amount of stake, or both.

That all led to a steady stream of incredibly stale content hitting top slots while a naive readership was duped into thinking these artificially popular posts were produced by actual success stories.

That content and the narcissists people creating that clusterfuck became a solid source of inspiration for me, when I felt like being a satirist.

Act 1:  I'll start out with a short story that was based on the mannerisms of an 'artist' turned self-help guru with included cult leader characteristics.  This guy was in the top ten at least four times each day and even purchased $500 worth of votes just to tell everyone something like, "Stay tuned! I'll have a new post published within a couple hours!"

Act 2: The second short is a fake advertisement I created after someone first published a post utilizing spirituality and wellness as marketing tools to sell some strange white powder he expected people to actually ingest, then later the post was edited so the author could take a verbal dump on the entire community, calling everyone gangsters for downvoting; though the post was still sitting in the top slot after the downvotes.

Act 3: The third is a spoof of everyone's favorite, "This is not financial advice," 'financial advisor'.  That individual made sure to place ten daily posts on the trending page, at least, and couldn't seem to figure out why people were annoyed.

Enjoy:

Act 1

Breaking the Trail to Success - Chapter 3999

First, I'd just like to thank the two of you who didn't swear at me after chapter 3998.

I will forever love you dearly as we grow together,
my band of well-intentioned warriors!

Now

I'd like to talk about how I've spent my entire life savings writing this goddamn book that I personally thought was to be the next bible.

Nobody told me I'd be losing money back when I started writing this damn book in March of 2018.  They just kept telling me how awesome I was and how my book was changing their lives so I thought I was well on my way to slashing a giant highway through this jungle that is a successful life.

I sold my car and most of my banjos to be able to publish this chapter.  I still don't understand why all of those other authors are making money while their readers seem happy and I'm sitting here on the top of the world, several times per day, broke as fuck and feeling lonely.

I refuse to back down from Success though!  I am a fighter and I will carry on until the end of time!  I refuse to listen to anyone who tries to talk some sense into my mind that doesn't sound like something I'd say!

I am not afraid!

Some were saying I "abuse robots!"  I will have you know; I do not touch robots there!  I haven't touched a robot there in the past!  I will not be touching a robot there in the future!  Ignore those filthy pigs and their dirty pigpen minds!

 
Anyway, let us get on with our adventure, my band of well-intentioned warriors!

NoNamesLeftToUse - Success.jpeg

Chapter 3999

Papa and the Potatoes

I must backtrack about thirty years now.


Advice!

When writing a successful success story, always plan ahead so you don't run into the same roadblocks as someone who thought it would be wise to just go with the flow and see where that river of successful dreams lands.


I was strumming my banjo

in the hot sun that I'd later come to realize was the light that would grow my success as if I was a plant of happy medicine in the greenhouse behind the neighbor's barn.

Papa yell at me he say, "Ricardo!  I thought I told you to shut up and go pick the potatoes!"

It was my job to have potatoes in the pail by noon every day or I was not allowed to eat and then would have to sleep outside with the chickens.

I knew when Papa yelled about potatoes, he meant the business.

On that day, I could not find my one and only garden pitchfork.  My heart was pounding as I ran in all directions as if I was being chased by imaginary bees who thought I slept with their queen.

Papa will not like this!  I must pick potatoes before noon!  Why must I lose my favorite pitchfork at a time like this!
Those were just a few of the thoughts my young, soon to be successful mind could think of at the time.

Finally, after much scrambling, I found myself near the river where I thought I used my pitchfork to dig a hole so I could hide Papa's last bottle of beer.


Advice!

Do not hide the beer down by the river.  The water will wash away your dreams of successful buzz in the rain.


It must have rained heavy the night before.

Gone was my favorite pitchfork!  Washed away like the dirt of yesterday's potatoes and tomorrow's dreams of successful french fries.

This would not defeat me!

I quickly wiped away my tears before Papa could see me crying like a little bitch.

I ran back to that chicken coop and grabbed the banjo from my bed of straw where I slept if I did not pick the potatoes.  From there I ran to my little brother's bed behind the refrigerator where he says it's warm and asked him to wake up.  He moaned, groaned, and then asked me if I still had any beer.  I said, "Yes! Of course I do!  It's down by the river so please come with me, it's important!"  He agreed to go.

Once we were there, I whacked him over the head with my banjo and he fell down faster than he could say, "I thought we came here to get b..."


Advice!

Work smarter, not harder.  If you can kill two birds plus get stoned, you will be well on your way to being as successful as I am.  You will see why this is important very soon.


I bonked little brother one more time with the banjo for good measure and he finally stopped making strange gurgling sounds.

NoNamesLeftToUse - Little Brother.jpeg
Little Brother

Now, with broken banjo in hand, I ran.  I knew the banjo could double as the perfect digging device to retrieve the potatoes from the packed soil in our garden by the marijuana trees (Papa told me never to touch) if it had a sharp edge.

I dug and I dug and our neighbor, Doug, he watch.

It was exactly three minutes before noon when I proudly walked into the house with my full pail of potatoes.  No green spots in sight!

Papa was so very proud of me.

I started out the door to go find a job since I needed a new banjo when I heard the most blood-curdling version of Ricardo that I had ever heard in my life up until that moment.

"Which one of you little pecker heads drank my beer," Papa said while foaming from the mouth and getting some on his shirt.

"Papa", I shrieked, "I saw little brother passed out down by the river again.  You know how he drinks.  I bet it was him!"

Papa was not proud of little brother that day.

I got to eat little brother's serving of potatoes and moved in behind the fridge where it was warm.

Finally, I had my first taste of success and I have been an addict ever since.


That Concludes Chapter 3999

 
I will be back in a few hours to remind you that chapter 4000 is a few hours away.  In the mean time, please focus on today's lessons and try to be just like me.

I will see you next time, my band of well-intentioned warriors!

This has been...
Ricardo

Applause.jpeg

Act 2

The Health Benefits of Smoking Crack with Mitt Monarchy as Your Host

Jesus smoked crack and so should you.
Everyone knows that so there's no point in reading more.
Just buy my crack!

NoNamesLeftToUse - Crack.jpeg

Hello Wonderful Community!

My name is Mitt Monarchy and I just finished doing yoga, plus, I love you!

Phew!  I'm pooped!

I never used to work out.  As a matter of fact, I used to be a lazy performer and a useless starving artist.

Here's me from many years ago.  Keep in mind, I've changed my appearance over the years and have aged a bit, but I'm sure you can still see the resemblance.

*Video removed
I'm so happy I still have my beautiful hair!
Mother used to condition it for me every night!

These days I have to stay in shape and be in peak performance mode at all times.  Nobody wants to buy medicine from a slob!

Yoga and supplements I buy from random offers I receive in my email weren't cutting it though.  Some of those dick pills actually did more harm than good!  Can you believe that!  Why would they sell something that makes it turn purple!  Jeez...

Then I read the bible and found out about crack cocaine!

That's right!

Jesus sent me to teach you all about crack and it's many health benefits.

Did you know: Some people have reported seeing Jesus in the mirror as they brushed what's left of their teeth thirty minutes after smoking crack and reading the bible?  It's true!  It's true that someone said that!

Here's a random testimonial from a guy named John from the internet:

I used to live a boring life.  I had a stupid job, a wife who always made me do things, and kids that never knew how to shut up.  Ever since I purchased some of Mitt Monarchy's amazing crack cocaine, my life has been perfect!  Jesus and I just hang out in the park all day.  No need for a job.  People drop money on us!  A gift from heaven and all thanks to Mitt Monarchy.  I can't wait to tiptoe through his tulips again tonight to score some of that sweet, sweet crack cocaine!

Mitt Monarchy Crack Cocaine!

Get yours today!

First, we "hire" men who are willing to work for free on our coca plantations.  That's right!  Beautiful volunteers with hearts of gold and souls sent here directly from heaven to pick the leaves with their silky smooth hands designed by God himself.

Then, we bless the leaves with gasoline we watered down with pure, organic, Non-GMO biofuel!

Later, once we've extracted the medicine and converted it into powder form with the help of bible verses, we ship it to our boy in Florida using real life sailboats!  We care about the environment more than anyone else!

Our boy only uses the best baking soda sourced from local farmer's markets and gets to work in our five star kitchen!  He then packages up the finished product in plastic bags produced from recycled materials found in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch!

Our product is 100% organic, vegan friendly and nearly every other fad in existence!

I say 'ours' because it's impossible to do this all by myself. Thanks Jesus!

So what are you waiting for?  If you want a boost of energy, money falling from the sky, and people actually offering you loads of cash just to have sex with you because you're so amazing standing out there on the streets like that...

Buy crack now!

Act 3

If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them

@NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself would really like to trend today!

And I know what needs to be done!

NoNamesLeftToUse - The Analyzer.jpeg

First

 
Allow me to introduce myself.  My new name is Hi Jim.

At first my name was only Jim but I noticed every time I'd go to the mall to take a shit in the plants, the people there would look at me and say, "Hi Jim."  I got so annoyed with it that I just thought it would be best to change my name to what everyone else was calling me.

Life was hard back then.  Here's a short clip of me as a young lad.

My Life is Getting Better

 
I've decided to take my shit and use it for something good.  My counselors and even the woman at the store who always asks me if I'd like a good time all agree that it would be best if I embrace my shit and apply myself.

That's why I'm here today.

I had a good look around and couldn't help but notice a few shit posts were earning top dollar.  I thought to myself, I can do that!  I'm a natural!

To be honest, I don't really know what the fuck I was looking at while browsing a few of those posts.  All I saw was money, more money, an entire shit-ton of money, some bling, cha-ching and an incredibly popular as well as handsome man.

I can be all those things and more if I just set my mind to it!

Today, with the help of a few fancy screenshots, I've decided it's now my turn to become the best of the best and fuck all the rest.

Clears Throat

I've polished my crystal ball.  Here is today's prediction.

Perfect Timing.jpeg

That's right.  Clearly, it's time to pass around the drinks and start partying.  That is my financial advice.  I did it all by myself.

In Other News

Some professional looking historical data.

Chart2-0-2016.12.07-07.26.53.jpg

And this:

Chart4-0-2016.12.07-07.27.44.jpg

Those candles are hard to read but they are definitely candles and that's all that matters.

I'm pretty sure you know what to do now.  In case you don't, there will be many people under this post offering their daughters to me and not speaking in a way that sounds like a cheesy online advertisement testimonial.  They are legit, they know what they're talking about.  If you don't believe in me, believe in them.

That is all I have for this hour.  I'll be back in a few minutes with more of the same.

Thank you for your money!


Obligatory Disclaimer: I am just a man who shits in the plants.  This is not meant to be financial advice.  It is entertainment and you're an asshole if you actually think I'm God.

Conclusion.

Yes, I realize that was another long post but the thing is: It's really hard for me to show you three examples of my satirical work from the past, without posting at least three parodies.

Sometimes I miss those days.  Right now on Hive, things are going well so it's difficult to find fuel for satire around here.  That's probably a good thing but I know, eventually, there will come a time we get to laugh at ourselves again and I know I'll be right there, ready on the front lines, willing to write the jokes.

So there we have it.  Another #Showcase-Sunday down and I'll be around all week with all new material for you to have fun with, hopefully.

Have a nice day.

Youtube video linked to source.
Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
NoNamesLeftToUse Outro.png
All content within this blog is 100% organic ACTUAL CONTENT and contains no paid vote additives!

"Be happy it wasn't 9000 words again!"

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When you shat in the plants did you ever get poison ivy? They probably weren't cultivating that there, I guess.

That could honestly be why my ass is so itchy all the time. I'm surprised this never crossed my mind. It's so obvious now! Thank you, doctor!

It's going to be a long road but there is hope for a full recovery. Just apply the white powder to the affected areas once daily to accelerate the healing process.

How in the hell do you expect me to snort something up my ass? Should I avoid coughing afterwards? How much is too much?

Just divide your normal dose by 100 and apply that topically. If you cough, repeat the process. The first sign its working is when all bleeding stops including the burst veins in your optical sclera (the white part of your eyes).

My eyes have a white part? Since when?

Ah, such good times. Wasn't it awesome how angry they got when called out? I had forgotten about powder man too, lol.

You sun it to will when you say that they does the noobs into believing they were something

Remember the rap dude? Full vote buying denial mode, always trying to convince people it was organic. A lot of those folks wouldn't have engagement/comments, aside from a few duped noobs. The rest of the folks would just leave shitty comments about how lame it is to buy votes. LOL! And the powder dude... They could have been disguising poison as 'popular', it could have killed people, and they still would have been selling votes. "Derp. Code is law blah blah blah. No common sense. Don't need it."

Oh the Rap dude, Steemit's uct rate Fiddy cent! He was fucking hilarious!! Like he boasted about getting on trending as if he had got there organically and its like dude, you paid 100 bucks to get there. Whats hard about that? What a penis. He had a spectacular hissy rage quit when the party was over. Ah, great days!

I hope this place can be fun; but for the right reasons. Thinking maybe this recent pump might bring some normal types here who'd prefer entertainment over Hive posts. Remember that talk we had before this all started up? I was right, you know.

I remember very well. Normal types would be nice. I think it is quite hard to sign up though. I am wondering if once again we are at that stage where it's the best time to be ready but we are not ready.

I'm not sure. I saw a post about resource credit pools. Some hype about using twitter. I'm confused. I could write yet another post attempting to remind people of the severe lack everyday average content consumer types. We have tipping now on PeakD, so I suppose when it comes to purchasing to power up and tip that way, that's a no go, yet it is a far better deal to the consumer to power up, but I think folks have trouble understanding what I'm trying to say. Those normal type consumers do spend money on entertainment, and that entertainment can be anything here, doesn't have to be jokes, could be an essay or even just a photo, vlogs, music. It just seems like they want to attract more creators but damn, the market is small for us creators. They want the creators to go around leaving more comments. I'd love to do that more, and I try, but at the same time, producing something people might want to see takes hours. Can't skimp on the quality and expect to attract paying consumers. If they want to go the 'social media' route or the 'reddit clone' route, then we're right back on Steemit in 2016, going backwards. The social element is important, and Youtube has a fine model to follow with social elements, but you don't call it a social network. Facebook is dying. Twitter is for quick ads and self promotion more than anything else, so it's more like a flyer in the mailbox rather than a magazine. Magazines cost money, flyers are free and typically trash. Can't put a value on trash like you could a magazine. Sorry bud, I'm rambling here...

I saw the same. I was actually a bit disappointed by the RC pools thing because I saw it as a construct created by Ned/Steemit to extract more value from users and in particular new users.

Ramble away! Always.

I am being short because I am currently teaching my daughter ICT. lol

The way some of that RC pool for profit stuff was explained to me awhile back basically made it sound like profiteers will make money until things become unaffordable and everything implodes. Social media with landlords and tenants? I don't get it. Then SMT's are supposed to be what a content creator works for? After four years and seeing that concept nearly fail with the tribes, why would I want that? I must be missing something. Everyone has theories and predictions but there's a much simpler business model directly on the table and that one has actually proven itself. Those SMT's will be useless without consumers buying them, staking, and tipping with votes. If there's a token for every community then the consumer has far too much choice and most tokens struggle to get off the ground. Content is a product. We make it, but it's not being sold? Why? The consumer doesn't even lose money, unless the token tanks, which isn't the plan if millions sign on. Could have more active daily wallets than Bitcoin, by simply attracting consumers. Every time I say consumers, people seem to think I'm talking about creators. Consumers can still shit post, but leave it up to the heavy hitters with solid content to attract them and give them a reason to spend money. All these elements work together. I taught my daughters how to fish. Such great listeners. Had no problem there...

Those were awesome- I heard the banjo go twang and everything. Potatoes are a good idea, if there's a big hailstorm that shreds everything above ground, they will be there waiting for the right person who has the right banjo to find them.

Oh speaking of ST##M, do you know of a tutorial or an easy way to move those coins from there to over here? I haven't been to the market in so long I don't know if I'd pass the kyc crap nowadays! Is there an alleyway with a dark entrance and a slot in the door where I knock twice and wait for the guy to open the slot, and is the password still "Well this is awkward... I thought I was someone else!"?

The ole beating someone over the head with a banjo tune always gets stuck in my head after hearing it...

If you're swapping, blocktrades might be the easiest. https://blocktrades.us/en/trade

That'll move small amounts from the steem wallet to the Hive wallet effortlessly. Sign up with email. Confirm email. Tick the boxes so you're converting Steem to Hive. Enter in your Hive address then click the 'get deposit address'. I do the transfer manually, your given the account name and memo. Simply leave that tab running, open new tab, go to steemit wallet, transfer whatever to the account with the memo (use copy/paste and double check), complete the transfer and the Hive will be in your wallet.

I'd wait though. This current Hive pump doesn't seem too realistic. I think the value could drop quite a bit... but I also could be dead wrong. I gave up trading as well, long ago. Too much of a headache and it makes me feel like a loser.

Ok thanks, I'm not trying to move it just yet. It's still in powerdown over there, it'll be a few weeks before I'm ready to move anything anywhere. Yeah this seems like bad timing tho, FOMO!!

Also, I noticed this a few days back, and realized I'd never used Blocktrades before, so now I've saved the page to study later: https://peakd.com/blocktrades/@blocktrades/blocktrades-re-opens-support-for-selling-steem-e-g-steem-hive

You can try this exchange as well https://ionomy.com/en/markets

They're not bad, for small amounts. I don't leave my funds laying around there though. That scam of a place poloniex screwed me so now I'm more careful.

Ah I remember a number of those crack posts. 😂

Well that other platform is back to dealing crack again. So glad we have this place.

I noticed they were back to buying votes and it didn't take long for it to get out of hand. Haven't looked in a couple days but last time I saw someone self vote two shit posts nice and high, while the comments were bitching about it. Same effect. Creates toxicity. Only a handful of accounts make money while thousands more get nothing. It's quiet here but I'd much rather be involved with the organic experience. Can't force content on people. They'll either like it or they won't. Far easier to gauge whether or not to carry on this way.

I'm glad there's not much to satirise around here yet, but I'm sure you'll find something XD and if not there's an endless source of things outside of here :D

I remember those types of posts, I do my best to try not to find them XD

There are a few things but right now the timing is all bad. The mood is a lot more serious. If I write a new one and it's met with silence, that'll probably be the last one I get to write. When I wrote those three, I was met with excitement and laughs. I'm still waiting and working towards bringing that element back to my blog before tackling some local satire.

I'll take your word for it, I'm generally terrible with timing :)

you are a very crazy man

Thank you!

It's quiet. Ask me anything.

Wow! Reading this felt like I was just gnawing my face around inside of a Big Opioid Soup! ...I mean...Not that I've ever done that sort of thing...Well...There was this one time in Bangkok...And...Then, there was Germany...Followed by Netherlands, Thailand, Spain, Nova Scotia, Bahrain, New Zealand, Colombia, Estonia, Lithuania, UK, Jamaica, Kosovo, and Laos...Just to name a few...Well, what I meant to say that I heard it from "my friend" that it was sort of like that...maybe? lol
Funny stuff as always Brother:)

I'm sure it might be maybe something like that! LOL! I have no idea...

Thanks for the question though!

I truly appreciate the fact you spent a moment reading this today as well. Thank you very much. The quietest days are the toughest days but hopefully I'll have something new and exciting this week for you folks to enjoy.

Lol! Anytime man...I would say that you, And a handful of others here actually put some thought and effort into your craft...I appreciate that because I know that it is hard to do day-in and day-out!!! Not to downplay the work of others, but just pointing out the obvious on my end...So it's easy to support the creators that value their own platform:)

Sundays were always notoriously quiet. That was why I created #showcase-sunday. The creators can have a day off but can still be productive by reworking old work into something new. These days now I'll see people try the concept out and finally get eyes and appreciation for something that was most likely a total flop on the first go, since we all struggle in the early days. Makes me happy to see folks see success on the second go. I don't mind a quiet Sunday now. I feel like that dude on Shawshank Redemtion when he's chillin on the roof watching the other prisoners drink the beer he lined up for them. Still, I'm much happier when you folks are laughing at my stupidity as well. Didn't expect to blow the roof off with this. Other people having fun is more important.

That's smart, and an effective way to distribute your old content. Might have to dig back in the old archives myself! lol Thanks for the idea...I'll give credit where it is due...Yes, especially with all this madness going on in the world, it feels good to have a good laugh Brother! And it is truly a gift that you make others' days a little more enjoyable...That's fantastic!!! Now I need to re-watch Shawshank Redemption again...It's been some years:)

You have a metric shit-ton of artwork that could fill quite a few Sundays up. Maybe add some commentary as well. Hint hint.

Lol! Thanks, and Gotcha man:)

Anything?

Anything was a good question. Thanks for asking!

The answer is yes, anything!

You're welcome.

I can scarcely resist asking anything in these situations, especially when no one else has.

The format is just begging for it.

Initially I had been met with the eerie silence again. I thought people might be interested in something else. More silence... LOL!