When your mind hurts, make your body hurt twice as much.

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Does training constitute as self harm? I sometimes wonder that. I wonder if what I'm doing is because I'm trying to hurt myself. There is literally no point to me training anymore, I'm 35, two kids have a career and no time for races or marathons anymore. I don't think I'll be competing ever again, I might enter a few small charty runs to raise community funds but nothing too major.

You might be thinking that it's good to exercise to keep fit and healthy and it is that is a small part in why I do it. But I go beyond that and really push myself. When I pick up a weight it is heavier than I can lift and I grab it with such force that I can feel my very tendons shake under the pressure.

Like my above screen shot of my run yesterday, today was just as hard. See we've been plunged into another lockdown, lock down number 5. I finally got around to taking annual leave and was going to go on a short get away but unfortunately shut down. So I'm stuck at home. I also haven't run for quite some time, 1.5 years to be exact.

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I put down the ASICs running shoes and picked up the mountain bike, I didn't opt for a road bike because you have to work harder on a mountain bike. Heavier frame, bigger tires but it takes you to places your feet can't always get to and a road bike never will.

I pushed myself, I had it in my mind that I would never use public transport again due to the virus and wanting to avoid the disease tube. So I trained every night for months. I needed to maintain 25kms an hour so I could ride to work within the hour and anything beyond that was time saved. I struggled for a bit and then I learned that if I put my kids seat on the back with my kid in it the added weight grew my leg power better and faster than just riding without.

I lost 20kgs, lost a lot of muscle too but I did it. I made the 25km an hour average and I was fast, often riding past people on road bikes. I had a bloke stop me once and asked if I had an electric motor. Told me I should pick up a road bike and get into races. I gave it some thought and 6 months went by without things returning to normal. I gave up that thought.

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You can see the boost training with the little one on the back gave me, I was pretty stagnate from when I first hopped on the bike at 38km Max speed to this year in March my max speed hitting 81kms an hour. It was the same circuit I'd do every day. 15km circuit x2. I was training to reach 25km an hr and if I was riding that distance I had to do it for longer. You always train for more than you need.

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Reaching those speeds and training puts you into a caloric deficit, sounds like it's hard to reach those speeds and times but the more you train the more fat and muscle you burn so the lighter you get so it's easier. Most of the gains you get you can match with your body weight.

I remember being on deployment in Townsville for the floods and I went for a run with some young lads who were marathon runners. They were alot thinner than me at the time and I was alot more solid with muscle mass. I wasn't fast, well not at their level. Every day we'd go for a run and they'd disappear into the distance, I wasn't that much slower than them, maybe a minute slower per km. I remember getting back from the run and they'd be exhausted and I'd go into the gym to lift weights. They always gave me shit for being slow but always asked how I could go lift weights after the run?

It was simple biology really, I was holding more muscle mass and weight so my body had more energy stores.

This week I started running again because I'm over the bike and Lil Miss is on hers now so that means no longer can I zoom off into the distance at 25kms an hour. It's more of a gentle roll. I also want to loose weight so rolling won't get me anywhere.

I've gone back to running and as much as the transition from running to bike hurt, so too does going from bike to running. Although it was an easier transition. It took me three days to get back to speed. Running tends to put alot of pressure on your whole body so you can burn more calories in a shorter time.

But I'm still stuck on my why? Am I doing it because I'm wanting to lose weight or am I doing it because I'm inflicting pain on my body? 3:22 per km is a good time and not bad for my first week back on the legs. It wasn't anything too major just a 5km run. But I want to push myself, I want to get back to maintaining that time but for 15kms.

I don't know why, but I'll do it.



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