Monday Musings: A Conversation is not a Competition!

It always amazes me just how many people treat a conversation more like it's a debate that must be won or lost rather than simply an opportunity to interact, in the course of which information is exchanged.

I remember having a discussion about this many years ago with a friend who was also a Marriage and Family Therapist, and we both lamented that "conversation" seemed to be a dying art.

The pointed out — based on the many hundreds of people she'd seen in her practice — that in this day and age, more and more people are actually lousy listeners and tend to stop listening the moment the person they are with starts talking... and instead of actively listening to what is being said, they are busy formulating their own counterpoint, inside their heads.

The unfortunate outcome is that often what they end up saying has relatively little direct bearing on the topic at hand, leading to statements like "Why would you SAY that? Did you not even HEAR what I just said?"

Chances are... they didn't.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I was never any good at actual debating because I'm not good at "thinking on my feet," but my greater issue with just general conversations often is that I wasn't looking for an argument," and I invariably feel like I have been drawn into one.

It's a slightly surreal experience to express something to another, and it is almost as if they look at the stream of words, seeking out only the parts that can be contradicted, and focus their response only on those rather than looking for the words that establish commonality and can build a bridge of understanding.

No wonder so many people end up in "fights" over the most minute details of life!

At times, I find myself wondering whether it's a cultural issue, as well. I remember being no more than maybe six or seven years old — growing up in Denmark — when my Godfather from New York came to Copenhagen to visit us.

He was openly concerned that I seemed so "quiet and polite" and even expressed that to my parents... and even pulled me aside one day and admonished me to "Stand tall, look 'em in the eye, and tell 'em what you know!"

To my seven year-old self, it just felt wrong.

50-something years later, I recognize it as one of the operational truths of life, but it still feels wrong, and with all those years of hindsight, it also feels like a good explanation for why we are so often at odds with each other!

Thanks for reading, and have a good remainder of your Monday!

How about YOU? Do you experience conversations being more like "contests?" What does it mean when someone feels they have to "win" at a dialogue that isn't even intended to be competitive? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

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Created at 20201116 18:58 PDT
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