Let's Go Back... To The Autumn Of 1984...
I was just starting my junior year of high school and had a HUGE disagreement with my best friend (we'll call him Brian for the sake of this story). In an emotional state, I attended a Friday night football game and met up with an older guy (he had already graduated from my high school and was an acquaintance of another female friend of mine). I wasn't looking to hurt Brian by any means, but he had said some hurtful words to me earlier that week; so making him hurt as much as myself seemed like what needed to be done.
See, Brian was not only my best friend, but I had the BIGGEST crush on him, but never told him. He made me laugh. He was a shoulder for my tears when I had a break-up with another guy. He would break curfew (his dad was notorious for being a hard-ass) to meet up with me on the weekends when he was grounded. Brian was my left hand while my right hand was confused. We shared our dreams with each other. Brian knew my moods better than I did. We even made a pact with each other; that we'd turn to each other later in life if neither of us found someone. I mean, what's better than being with your bestie when all others were jerks!
But that argument ruined it all; and to be honest... 35 years later I cannot even remember what started the fight we had. Sad, isn't it?
Well, back to that Friday night. While me and this older guy were walking through the stands and bleachers, I happened to see Brian with some of his guy friends. To make Brian jealous and mad, I grabbed Older Guy's hand. Pathetic, huh? But juvenile I was at the ripe age of 15.
I never spoke to Brian again. For that matter... I rarely saw him except to pass by him in the high school's hallways in between classes.
I ended up dating (perhaps a little bit of settling) for Older Guy. We dated all through my junior and senior years and we married one month after I graduated from high school.
Our union lasted 16 years (between dating and marriage), produced three remarkable children and years of memories. None of which I would trade for all the money in the world.
But there are many times that I think... what if it had been different? What if I hadn't grabbed Older Guy's hand. What if Brian and I could have had the opportunity to speak again; settle the harsh air hovering between us?
So many what-if's have evolved in my head. Many times over the last three and half decades I have felt maudlin and somber over it all. But would I change how my life has turned out? Some days yes (because I yearn for Brian and our memories) and other days no (because I made my choices and have my three children and eight grandchildren).
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