Welcome to 2020

Since 20 days ago, I have felt lost and disoriented.

It feels mildly apocalyptic with a veneer of normality.

Dystopian yet it is reality.

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Wedding Woes

I'm losing my grip on the direction I want my life to take. I know that control of the future, of what happens to me was never mine to begin with, but now all vestiges of it is taken away.

Everything is changing.

Here in my country there is partial lockdown, and most recently, a ban on all gatherings of 10 or more people.

This ban will affect brides-to-be like me, who have already spent months and months planning their dream weddings (for me, a church wedding in the presence of family and friends).

Thousands of dollars down the chute, spent on deposits for various wedding caterers. Not even sure if they are recoverable.

It's really hard to come to terms with the very real possibility that I may not be able to walk down the aisle with my father and say the vows in that sanctuary with witnesses.

It's really hard to stomach that disappointment, that sinking feeling when life throws all these curveballs and it hits you squarely in the gut.

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No Gathering Together

Besides the potential wedding letdown, my church community is unable to meet - all religious services are suspended.

While I have my occasional gripes with church (hypocrisy, politics, status games), it has been an integral part of my life, keeping time much like the four seasons of spring, summer, autumn, winter.

In a few days, it was supposed to be Church Anniversary.

But we cannot even meet, much less celebrate it with a buffet lunch or with the choirs singing.

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Steem became #Hive.

And Steempeak became #PeakD.

Enough said about the chaos Justin Sun caused in the Steemit community, so much as to force the Witnesses' hand in a hard fork.

An unique safe space lone which we have grown to love, before we were compelled to move.

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What's Next?

Apart from personal life disruptions, the greater context of the global arena is being violently shaken up.

Global pandemic. Depopulation. Martial law. Stock market crash. Great Depression 2.0. Worldwide reset. All these phrases bandied here and there, and fears lingers like a foul burning smell in the air.

A smell of charred corpses.

I've heard one say, this may be a complete washing away of things...

And it very well feels like that.

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Depressed Right Now

I know the truth.

But I just ask for God's mercy to give me some grace period so that I can let all that has happened thus far sink in.

I know that all things work out for good.

It does not negate the depression I feel creeping onto me, which I try to squirm away from by endless browsing on Twitter and Facebook (and #Hive).

The irony is, I am just even more reminded of the harsh reality of life.

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Proof of My Existence

I've come here - I wrote this - because I simply could not hold it in any longer.

Talking about it to people does not help - I understand that we are all in our peculiar circumstances of life, and no one can fully empathize with my position (just like I can't with theirs).

I turn to the blank page to pour out my griefs.

Hopefully, the tears which I have been holding back supply the ink to leave some feeble pen-scratches, leaving a faint trace of the proof of my existence.

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Image Source: @manoldonchev