Are You Even a Writer?

Image by Comfreak via Pixabay

It's that time of year where I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Here I am working a standard 9-5 while wishing I could be outside, traveling, doing anything but staying glued to this office chair.

Am I cheating on my job right now by writing this? Yes. Yes I am.

Prior to my divorce, I was able to write and publish aggressively because there was no need for me to bring in an income. Any work I did was extracurricular to the job of parenting and keeping house. If I could slip a blog post into my schedule, so be it. And I did, almost daily for several years.

That translated to an established following and more publication opportunities. Occasionally, they came with pay. Between teaching and writing, I made almost enough to support myself, but not quite. Post-divorce, the pressure was on. If I wanted to succeed as a writer, I could no longer have split attention.

I was afraid of failure, so I didn't try. Instead I got a job as a barista. Now I'm a leasing agent. I'm sitting in a chilly office fielding phone calls from irritable tenants and thinking about the books I've written and never tried to publish. The stories I've never attempted to place. The poems that could be out there if I committed the time and stopped being afraid of failure.

True story: Not trying to achieve a dream is also failure.

Am I even a writer? I write here and there, but I never truly claimed that title for myself in the way I want it applied to me. I need to stop being afraid. I know how to be a writer. I am good at writing.

Here's where it gets tricky for some folks--I consider publication a requirement for myself because I have trained to and dreamed of being published in bigger venues. I need to pursue those placements.

I'm a great teacher which is why I feel so much more comfortable supporting others on their own path to publication. It's time to be my own student I guess? Oof. That means I need to listen to myself. Ha!

Alternately, I can throw myself into my day job. I can stop wanting to see myself as a writer.

Oof. Typing that out was harsh. And clarifying. I want to write. I want to publish. I want to teach. Here's to being the person I want to be. It's about time.