That terrible thought

I've been struggling trying to survive in the corporation for several years now. Recent 1.5 years has been the nightmare of the nightmare. All of my colleagues have been "changed", if not "transferred" to the insignificant department and soon they had themselves removed.

One of the ultimate reasons for such change is being the new chief. To him, "old" staff is seen to be the cancer cell of the corporation. They either chemo the staff away, or they starve the staff to death. The worst part of this being the mental abuse. The forever unfinished task that is impossible to achieve. The un-demoted position that took away all the subordinates and employed higher ranking officers to supervise a senior officer.

I haven't been really sleeping well lately. The amount of pressure I'm facing everyday makes me feel like puke. Even when I'm asleep, my mind is on guard preparing to answer some sarcastic questions that any answer would lead me into another sarcastic question. For example, this client had performed 15% more than last year, why? If I answer because the client liked me, then the following question will be why other clients don't like me. I can answer because the client has done a joint promotion with the bank, and the next question will be why don't you do the same with the rest of the clients? The moment a question being thrown, I know I'm in trouble no matter how I answer it.

At times, I'd rather chooses to remain silent and let those bastards continue calling my name and insulting my work. Even then, they will be able to find ways to slap on more responsibilities to me. Since you have no comment, we assume you agreed to take up the role. At this time, I'm easily having 3 persons responsibilities on my head. Each and every of my tasks has a deadline, and I knew I will never be able to complete any of those, period.

Sometimes when I'm driving, I will be thinking of what if an accident caused me dead, my family gets the insurance claim and I'd be free from all these mess. Other times, I'd be hoping those corporate bastards crash and burn at the cliff. Too bad, Kuala Lumpur is a mining valley. Sometimes when I'm crossing the street, I hope I get into one of the deadly accidents and be done with it. Other times, I hope all of them get into that tragic accident instead of myself.

I know I know, it's dark. I thought this is going to be a good year for me, apparently it turned out to be yet another bad year, and probably the worst I had so far. If there's anything I forget to thank God, it will be the family that are still healthy and safe. No one else to be blamed except for my pussiness in handling my job career. When the whole branch left and I'm the one still here, that's not brave, it's just pure sissy. If the boss wanted to cherish me, they would have given me my damn promotion years ago.

Forgive me for the weakness I had in cursing other people and even myself. I desperately needed relief from all these horse crap.

Using my travel pack "lunch" in the car whilst rushing off to collect document