Demons of one's own
Not a long time ago I spent a whole sleepless night writing an "article" about how people's lives can be affected because of depression, but when it was finished, I knew that I would not feel very confortable posting something like that because it felt too personal to me.
When I told my partner about how frustrated I was for writing that and ending up disowning it the way I did, he told me that he'd like to read it and kind of tried to convince me that I should try to recover what I had written. I didn't and I won't, but I ended up having another idea that strongly relates to that, and this idea is what I'm writing now.
I recently watched an interview that became very important to me. This interview is part of a 16 part series of short films made by a journalist called Marie Nyreröd. The subjects of these films are the swedish director and filmmaker Ingmar Bergman and some Bergman related things.
Since I got to know Bergman through his movies, I've always liked him and he is a recurring figure in my life. In this interview with Nyreröd, he talks about his demons, specifying them and the way they impact his life. Inspired by that, I decided to do the same. So, what you're about to read next are my interpretations of my own demons.
The Ostracization Demon:
Ingrid Thulin in "Cries and Whispers"(1972)
The Ostracization Demon is heavily related to social life. It is characterized by the incapacity of feeling like you belong somewhere and are part of something. This demon can possibly show up whenever you're taking part in social interactions, it will make you feel disoriented, even if you're around your friends, family, or people that you know would never hurt you.
The first reaction you might have when this demon approaches is a strong need to isolate yourself from those around you, this is the reason why group projects and relationships that are not very intimate can be very affected. These cases are especially hard, because working with a group of people feeling like you don't belong there can become a form of psychological torture and developing more intimate relationships with these people looks impossible when that's the way you feel.
The consequence of encountering this demon is mostly loneliness, which can put you in the way of self-destruction later on.
The Incapacity Demon:
Anna Karina in "Vivre sa vie"(1962)
It affects your ability to believe in your future and in yourself, and can easily make you feel like you're not capable of achieving your goals. This demon appears when you're facing moments of decision about the future and maybe even when you're working towards your objectives and you feel like they're too hard to reach. It's strongest moment is when you fail in achieving something and feel bad about yourself because of it, this feeling can possiby turn into a depressive episode.
The Incapacity Demon is not only faced when it comes to achieving goals, but also whenever you experience something bad that makes harder for you to do it. If you're going to a moment of sadness or stress, for example, it strikes.
The Insecurity Demon:
Domiziana Giordano in "Nostalghia"(1983)
The Insecurity Demon could also be called "The Imperfection Demon", it impacts mostly your self-esteem and having problems with your self-esteem itself can hardly affect your relationships. Usually, it makes hard for you to feel like you're worthy of friendship, admiration, desire and even love.
Coming in touch with this demon, you'll become blind to every single good aspect about yourself and you'll focus on your flaws, no matter how small and insignificant. For someone who's suffering with insecurity this way, it can be very important to have reassurance from family, friends and partners. Sometimes, this demon can make you want to isolate yourself from people, just like The Ostracization Demon does, but for other reasons: in this case, it happens simply because you'll feel like you don't deserve the love, respect and time the people around you invest in the relationship they have with you. When it comes to your love life, it can make you feel like your partner is way too good for you and it might make you think that your partner would be happier with someone else or, even, happier without you.
So, this was my way of interpreting and explaining some of my demons a little differently, almost as if they're these living characters. I hope you enjoyed reading this little literary-psychologic experiment of mine.
Thank you for your attention and vote! :)
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Thank you for sharing your perspective. I prefer to keep my demons within interpreting them to be just parts of my psyche I must learn to manage. Though, there's an appeal to your method also. By viewing these things from the outside and calling them demons you can attack or keep them at bay. Beautiful. Upvoted and promoted.
Thank you so much! :)
I enjoyed taking this different look on these things and making a bit of literary experiment. There's a lot of nuance to these kind of psychological characteristics, so summarizing them like this is a way of showing yourself that the "demons" are not as powerful as they might seem sometimes.
It was my pleasure in reading. I look forward to reading more of your work.
É fascinante como nossos "demônios" tendem a ser padrões de auto-sabotagem tão clássicos e fixos da persona humana né? Interessante ter comentado sobre a questão do ostracismo, esse é um tema que eu acho muito foda, e pouco destrinchado mesmo por pessoas como nós que comentamos bastante sobre introversão, timidez, medo, etc. O ostracismo é algo que eu levei muitos anos para ter coragem de começar a encarar, e mais ainda para começar a agir contrário ao impulso natural. Na verdade, uma peça dentro do mecanismo da auto-sabotagem. O medo do risco, o medo de dar a cara, de expor-se...
O que mais me deixa puto nesses pontos que você catalogou aí e que já tive em mim e muitas pessoas tem também, é que todos, sem excessão, são defeitos e falhas de nosso próprio caráter, de nossa formação, de nosso auto-cuidado. Nada disso é uma figura externa, uma força do mal (como um demônio seria, se ele existisse), não são causadas a nos, e sim causadas por nós, em níveis quase sempre subliminares que se instalam em lenta marcha no passar das décadas, desde alguma ruptura da alma infantil, quando ainda somos frágeis demais e mal instruídos. E infelizmente só damos conta da autonomia para trabalhar e exorcizar esses demônios quando já sofremos demais nas mãos deles. Mas, enquanto vivos, sempre é tempo.
É bom poder acreditar que o exorcismo ainda é possível, mesmo quando se chega num nível em que essas coisas são tão comuns ao ponto de parecerem simplesmente aspectos naturais da vida com os quais nem vale a pena lutar, no fim essa não é a verdade, mas o poder da mente quando se fala de marcar significados com ferro quente é incrível. Querendo ou não, é sobre perspectiva. Esse é justamente o motivo de ser interessante formar uma visão "de fora" começando do zero, que no fim acaba sendo uma completa nova forma de olhar.