Autoimmune/ Absolved

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Autoimmune

I summon the sun within grey walls
hung with floral paintings, faded by time's caress
And they will call my name once more
to pull me back, and prod each tender spot
temporary, I am eternal, in this moment
now
I can pretend I am not here

I'm 23, you'll never catch me
I wear steel toed boots to concerts
my toes stay safe when I mosh
I have no bag, no items, no worries
I left the house with myself, prepared
25, I live outside, and I love it
The coyotes don't bother me
they know I'm mad, and I do too
we're all at peace out here.
27... go back, I watch myself unravel
They give names to my pain with no solution
leaving me in these walls forever

I summon wrath within these grey walls
Shaking the frames of dusty images
They will call my name once more
and I'll wish I had a name to curse
an enemy to fight that does not live within my flesh

I'm 31, they spike me into the distance like a tennis ball
specialist after specialist, along these grey halls

I'll summon hope in my heart, rebellion
against myself, against them, against 'it'
Smiling at the worn photos because I know they tried
Each day I rise, and as I dwindle,
I now mosh in my own mind
I build fires in my heart, not my hearth, but I stay warm nonetheless
The only fight lost is the one set aside
And then they call my name, once more.

gordon-hudson-y9ifW1Bwz_Q-unsplash.jpg
Photo by Gordon Hudson


Absolved



His name is Steve, of course it is
sweet angel
Quintessential Steve, I'm met with brilliance
like a beacon in the fog

He doesn't know I've given up today
for maybe the 1000th time this year
He doesn't know that this might be the day
I've lost my resolve at worst
or have to collect it once more at best
A cycle of stupid shit

I want to opt out
go away, dissolve
I once feared that after death there was nothing
Childish, I now wish for that most of all
oblivion, decomposing back to my source
absolved of humanity

I just want a coffee, but I don't have the proper currency
of course, I resign myself to find the door I came in from
Wait, he says; Steve
Is every Steve an angel?
This coffee is on me, just promise you'll come back again soon
He doesn't know, it's the first place I've been invited in ages
that isn't a hospital or wake

I know he sees my wedding ring, I watch his eyes pass it
yet he offers. It isn't selfish, flirting, motivated
I think he knows I just need a coffee
and he gives me one, not realizing
I'm questioning if modern society isn't
just an example of hubris, left to root in place of livelihood
disconnection our destiny

And he answers with a simple grin
"I see you" just like that, if unsaid
I'm being held up by only two Steve's in this moment
a kind stranger, and my lovely husband
as if the world knew
I needed an extra Steve today
there he is to remind me
Perk up, Push on, this one's on me.

coffee.jpg
This photo is my own. A break in the clouds rules coffee land.

writing life poetry mental-health coffee pimp thealliance proofofbrain vyb neoxian
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(Edited)

So much to say, yet, your poem feels best if it just sets to be reread in the morning light.

I love you!

HUGE HUGS!

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I was looking for a cool gif to say I love YOU, and I found this. Pretty nifty, right? 🤣😂

Space Hugs! 😁


untitled.gif

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Hmmm... Why do I feel this poem is all about you?
As I read from the start I just understood what you mean.

Oh my dearest Grin, you know I am always here for you.

I love you, care for you, and want the topmost best for you.

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Shucks, I really appreciate your nurturing comment Sis 🤗💚

I love ya back, and wish the best for you too. I know you have had your own health struggles lately, here's hoping we both get ahead of that! At least when life is hard, we have connection. I am grateful for that 😁

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Yes, we have a connection and let's hold on to that to help move in the insane world. Kisses and lots of hugs your way❤❤.

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Basically, I wish you “Steves”, the more the merrier. Hope that they take care of you the way they’ve been doing. Hope everything just gets so much better for you. Hugs and hugs and loves 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗😴🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🤗🥰❤️💕

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I sent you the short story this comment inspired LOL

THANK YOU for being amazing 💞🤗

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Hello, I have read your writing, I found it very good that you express metaphorically your way of thinking. I thought it was great the way you describe your way of thinking and attitude in the moments you live.

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I've read this several times now. It's a lovely pair of poems. My favorite stanza is the one with these lines:

I once feared that after death there was nothing
Childish, I now wish for that most of all

I can identify with that. It's something I might have written myself if you hadn't beaten me to it. Grey walls and halls, specialist after specialist… I hear you. Or at least I think I do. Maybe I'm just hearing voices again though.

Possibly stupid question: Any reason you skipped 29 in the progression for Autoimmune? 23, 25, 27… 31?

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Hey @unholyghost, it's really nice to hear from you 😁!

I liked that part best too, because there is something in illness that is an ego death... I think it's important to talk about that feeling. When I was a kid I remember crying because someday I might stop existing after I die, I laughed so hard about that recently that it hurt my sides.

I wouldn't know I didn't exist anymore, oh!

It sounded like you're in the US. If you have literally any health issue at all, I'm sure you're hearing me  loud and clear. Our health care system is some weird illusion. 😅 Each doctor I speak to sends me to another, until I am too tired to try for a few weeks... and then I start again with whatever my last referral was. 🤷‍♀ Maddening. I'm sorry to hear that you can relate, it's a crap hand of cards.

Any reason you skipped 29

Not a stupid question at all, sharp eyes! 😁 Er, it's a year I haven't processed yet. That's probably its own set of poems! 😂 Thank you for the awesome comment, wishing you empathetic doctors and humane solutions. Nothing is forever... right? 🌞

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I am indeed in the US. I gave up on our doctors a long time ago. When it comes to mental health, Western medicine can't help me for shit. Just give me psychedelics and energy work and I'll be fine :)

Thanks for the explanation re: 29. I hope you find the appropriate poetry for that year :)

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Beautiful. Both poems are really beautiful, thank you for sharing these. It's so important to express ourselves, to find release in our words. Xxxxxx

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Thank you 🤗 I appreciate that, it really is wonderful to have a place to share these parts of ourselves... set them down and let them float on 🙌💞😁! Big hugs to you xx

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What can I say that hasn't been said by the other commenters?

I concur with the general sentiment. Great poetry, no doubt, and I also send hugs and well wishes!

But I couldn't leave it there. I had to do what I do. I look for meaning. I enjoy the word choices and flow, for sure. Music is a deep passion of mine, and what is a song but a poem set to a beat? So from that perspective, I've enjoyed a ton of poetry, and this poem(s) bring similar enjoyment.

But being the science guy / programmer type, words are data as well. What are the concepts being discussed? What are the causes and effects? How does it all comport with my model of the human condition? My "Young Sheldon" tendencies enjoyed this post in that way.

I see data indicating that you think about life and death. I think we all do. My thought is that we all experience life, of course. But we've also been very very very near death both physiologically and psychologically.

For example, one thing we all went through is that near death experience known as birth. We're in the garden of Eden for 9 months where our every need is fulfilled through no work of our own, by our host in that garden. Then we are cast out, and death is certain within a short amount of time if someone does not save us from the situation we find ourselves in. We're not born as baby giraffes who get up on 4 wobbly legs and eat leaves right away. We are born helpless; we can do nothing for ourselves. We need a savior, an apparent all powerful god, and anyone old enough to be reading this, had that savior in their life at that time.

Then they walk away. Psychologically we know the consequences if they don't return - we're dead because we can not survive on our own. We beseech and supplicate in the only way we instinctively know. We become emotional and cry and reach our hands up towards the sky, up where they were, when they are away. We make eye contact and smile for bonding purposes when they return, showing our gratitude.

I could go on and on, but this is your most excellent post in a continuing series of such. So I'll just smile and make virtual eye contact, hoping and praying that you come back to us again, when you can. Wishing you all the best!

And for fun, sending you pizza and a one-liner!

!PIZZA
!LOLZ

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I really love all of the perspective you shared there, I feel as if I know you on a deeper level now. 💚

Totally into what you said about birth, I believe that is a hugely impactful experience for us, just one that we cannot remember. Sometimes I wonder if expanding awareness itself is why babies cry... never being hungry, and then suddenly you experience it, and it hurts. It's cold, your body aches from the efforts of your mother, and then you must digest for the first time...

I find a lot of value in your words, and gratitude that you took the time to share them with me. I want to say more, but I seem not to have the correct verbiage! 😱🤣

Thanks for the well wishes too Kenny 🤗 it means a lot to know that I am in your prayers. 💕 Although I don't state it in the poems, I have a variety of diagnoses ranging from autoimmune diseases to visual snow syndrome (it's a fancy medical term for having tons of spots in your vision for no apparent physical reason lol). I think that trying to figure out how to fight back against them has been harder than many of the symptoms themselves. It's mentally hard to be candid...

When I wrote these I was coming out of a flare up, which thankfully now has more or less passed! Hoping the warmer weather keeps carrying me upwards, and in the meantime I'm praying and loving those around me with everything I've got. Finding strength where I can, and peace where I can't. That's all we can do, right? You've made me smile and given me the warm fuzzies, huge hugs to you my friend! 😁🤗

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"I see you"

The essence of life pushing all those heavy clouds aside. Love the 2 year analogy (leaving out 29 for the sharp minds ;). 2x Steve portrayed as angelic figures. The ups and downs keep the reader awake. Great ride!

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This is such a wonderful comment, thank you so much!! 🤗

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You endure so much, dear Grindan. And you do it all while somehow retaining a sense of joie de vivre and purpose, at least to the public eye. You are a wonderful writer and these two poems are immense. You have a lot of courage and endurance. And some days, it's a case of... ENOUGH! right? You're done. And on those days, the Steves of the world really do make all the difference. They renew our will to fight another day; they renew our trust in the kindness and generosity and authenticity of humanity. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to live with autoimmunity but I do hope that you keep that fire alive within your heart - keep feeding it! I just wrote a #threetunetuesday post about Ren Gill, a young musician in the UK who lives with autoimmunity, M.E., and stress-induced psychosis. I was introduced to his music through one of Snook's posts and I went down a rabbit hole with him on YouTube over a few nights. His story and his pain really impacted me. What a truly incredible creative he is.... channeling all his fears and pain through performance art. It's stories like his that help me to understand the life stories of others around me. !LUV !hivebits !PIMP

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