Witch: The girls's hunter (Theinkwell fiction challenge or Week-11-)

in The Ink Well4 months ago (edited)

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A few months ago the Gomez's daughter fell from her window, Jesy sawed what happened to hers. She saw how a woman with a half-moon necklace, accompanying the poor Cristal to the edge of her window, the girl looked like she was distracted, she climbed on the railing, put her two feet on the edge, woke up and slipped.

Jesy was crying for hours until she fell asleep. The next day her mother took her to her brother's house, her sister-in-law was a child psychiatrist and they haven't met for a couple of weeks. When she arrived, Jesy knew what the visit was about, but she didn't know how to tell everyone that it was a woman who killed the neighbors' daughter. she heard her mother talking to her lieutenant friend, they say that the girl walked in her sleep until she fell. But Jesy knows better; she saw the witch who murdered her.

From a very young age she tried to be normal, or whatever that means. She learned to control her fear so she could explain to herself that when she felt her bed moving, it was part of the feeling of having a bad dream, and she would soon wake up.

By talking to the adults she practiced what she had rehearsed moments before. I try not to alarm them when they ask her, she just said that she was very scared when she saw her fall and thought that someone had pushed her, but she thinks it was only her imagination. Her mother was a little surprised, Jesy doesn't usually lie, and she had never really seen her so disturbed.

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Jesy doesn't remember the first time he panicked. Sleep paralysis was frequent and what his eyes were seeing at the time was indeed scary. It had been a long time since she had closed her eyes; on the contrary, she opened them much wider, to make sure she was wide awake, so much so that her heartbeat suddenly accelerated and her pupils dilated to their maximum, trying to see the whole picture of bleak possibilities better.

Her breathing also accelerated until she began to hear a slight beeping in her chest as a result of her dyspnea, dyspnea that sometimes only stopped with a dumb breath that she caught quickly because of the impression it made, the cold feeling of a hand squeezing her delicate calf.

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His mother thought that moving could help Jesy forget that unpleasant scene in his mind, it was that or the pills her sister-in-law recommended and he didn't want to see his daughter become a zombie or not any more than she has been these last months. The girl told him she felt trapped in four walls. And she could understand her, she knows that time can pass slowly when you are 10 years old and you have a clever head.

When we arrived at the new house everything looked more spacious, a wonderful world of dolls. The abundance of the property was reflected in the thousands of fruits that were all around it. The rooms were large, wrapped in a wooden scent that reminded him of his vacation with his cousins, on the beach where monsters did not yet exist.

His mother knew that Jesy was going through a difficult time so she decided to start by unpacking his things to make her feel like she was in her old house, what she didn't know was that Jesy was hoping that it wouldn't be like that.

At nightfall there were still some boxes left unopened, so without further ado his mother told him it was time to go to sleep, accompanied her to her bed to wish her sweet dreams, covered her with her thick blanket, gave her a kiss on the forehead, turned off the lights and left.

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Something woke her up, soft hands caressing her feet, making her skin stand up behind her neck. Unable to move due to sleep paralysis, she opened her eyes trying to focus on what at first seemed to be only a dark silhouette.

He tried to breathe a little and looked for Lolita, who was on the floor, perhaps he dropped her when he fell asleep. As he heard the voice of what he could make out as a woman, "don't worry", he came a little closer to her, "Jesy". The silhouette of a beautiful woman could be seen in front of his eyes.

She was overcome by a horrible feeling of pressure, something similar to when she was locked in the closet trying to play hide and seek with her cousins. She began to feel a warm liquid drenching her entire bed and passed out.

The next day she woke up suddenly, not understanding what had happened, stretched out and could feel the moisture under her, which gave her the certainty that it had not been a bad dream play.

He left the room and his mother was already in the kitchen, she approached her and with a little sorrow said: "I wet the bed". "You are too old for these things" she said, while he placed the plate he had in her hand on the counter and went to the room; she went down a little to look and followed her mother to help her move the mattress.

"It must have been the direction of the air conditioning, maybe we should change the position of the bed,"she said as she removed the dirty sheets and motioned with her face to pick up Lolita who was still on the floor.

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That day went by very quickly, he was unpacking the rest of the things in search of his night light, she didn't want to stay in the dark another night, because he knew he could come back. She found it in a box outside by the board games. shee ran to his room, put it on the night table and turned it on. She could feel a little safer now.

She opened her eyes and could feel the mattress already sunk slightly at the foot of the bed. she turned suddenly and saw her. A beautiful girl with dark hair pulled back, a toasted white skin, and a porcelain doll's face. He felt chills and fear made his throat lump. "Don't be afraid," she said; "I just want your company," Jesi ran to the corner of the bed hugging her knees and heard... "I need your help".

Without completely trusting her, she only had to play one more game. Jesy entered a dream where she could see a beautiful girl being buried, leaving her tied up in the middle of a star drawn on the floor. What seemed to be a joke got out of control and the girl just stopped breathing.

"Jesy woke up!" she listened and opened her eyes, her throat was dry, it was hard for her to swallow. "You have a fever," her mother said as she put her hand on her neck. She lay down, she ordered her, and she just closed her eyes again.

When she woke up her mother was trying to make her stand up to take a bath, the temperature had to be lowered. The water was cold, her legs felt weak. He could feel his energy being drained, he found himself immersed in another dimension in which he felt just as bad physically, only his hands were this time, the same ones that had caressed her one night before.

I'm tired said to his mother who worried he slept next to her that night. Jesy barely slept after that last event at the neighbors' house. But for that moment she felt serene and fell asleep.

"Jesy" and Jesy turned slowly until she was freezing, opened his eyes and was on top of a leafy tree, everything looked bright. The violet in the sky was magical, under her gaze and there she was again. He knew that this time it was a dream so he asked: * Why Crystal? *

"You both could see me;
I'm looking for some company and you are perfect;
the silence here makes me want to shout;
you can help me... you just have to jump".

Jump?! Jesy stopped feeling the ground on her feet, she could see how gravity was pulling her hard as she held on to lolita as her last reflection before feeling the impact.

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A little horror story, I hope you like it. Hey @tibfox If you like it, you can send me a pizza too.!

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please link your entry to the Challenge post

Thanks! I will do!

This is a very intriguing story, @auelitairene. And what a tragic ending! I was captivated and found it very scary.

One thing you will need to work on is your pronouns. (Girls are "she" and "her" and boys are "he" and "him.") I was not able to determine if Jesy is a girl or boy.

Even so, it is a good horror story. Your writing is very good.

Jajaja yes, It was a good measure of a creative process that could have taken many more words hahaha but @tibfox had set a limit of 1000 words so in the middle of an anxiety attack I decided to kill jesy🤣

Thanks i will change this tomorrow because is to late! 🙏 jesy is a girl... she is inspired by me 😅

An interesting story! With some reworking it could be brilliant and super spooky! You have such an amazing creative mind.

I can tell you enjoy writing horror - fun isn't it! I did get a bit confused with the characters, so my feedback would be to go over and carefully make sure you're not switching from he to she or the names too often, and focus on one character's perspective within that one paragraph without bringing too many new people in or unneccessary back story that confuses things. Keep it simple, and focus on the plot points that really matter, especially in a short story. For example, here's how I'd rewrite your second paragraph:

Jesy cried for hours until she fell asleep. In the morning, her mother took her to see her aunt, a child psychiatrist. When she arrived, Jesy knew what the visit was about, but she didn't know how to tell Aunt Clara about what she had seen. Both believed the girl walked in her sleep until she fell. But she knew better; she saw the witch who murdered her. But how could she say this?

See how it takes away a lot of names and characters and focusses on what is important - the fact she can't tell the truth?

So from there, you'd then move into a more detailed paragraph about how Jesy really feels:

'From a very young age she tried to be normal, or whatever that means. She learned to control her fear so she could explain to herself that when she felt her bed moving, it was part of the feeling of having a bad dream, and she would soon wake up. It was the same thing now, talking to her Aunt. It was easier to say she was very scared when she saw her fall and thought that someone had pushed her, but believed it was her imagination.'

This last line switches perspective. How does Jesy know she is suprised?

'Her mother was a little surprised, Jesy doesn't usually lie, and she had never really seen her so disturbed.'

Instead, describe her suprise, and let the reader make up their mind. What does suprise look like?

'Her mother raised her eyebrows, like she did when Jesy tried to lie about who ate the last cupcake. Her bottom lip trembled, and her hands quivered in her lap. Jesy wanted to take the lie back, but it stuck in her throat'.

Hope you liked my feedback.

Wow, that was a correction, since I submitted my thesis nobody had corrected me so well Hahaha

Thanks for taking the time. I know how busy you've been! I hope you liked it anyway 😅 I will try to take your advice or the ones I could understand and modify them maybe in this post. Maybe I'll concentrate on making another one soon.

There are things like writing and painting that I left years ago and now I feel inspired by the #hivevibes

Oh I did like it a lot, it's just you specifically asked me for feedback, so I thought that's what you wanted! I don't mean to discourage you and was hoping that you'd take it as constructive help. You see, I'm an English teacher, so I always have a lot to say about writing, especially creative writing, which I love!

hehehe calmly your opinion I loved it, corrections bring with them a lot of learning, trial and error. don't misunderstand it hehehe maybe the language is a funny gap that allows misunderstandings... But I loved it, and with that I can surely go step by step writing better. never miss the opportunity to correct me, for me that gesture is very valuable!

No worries, as long as it's welcomed, otherwise I feel too bossy and I don't mean to be. xx