I have spent a great portion of my life in psychological turmoil. It all has been shaky grounds and instability for me for the longest part of my life and it has been mostly outside of my control, there are a lot of factors and people to blame but I'm not here for that.
As I slowly grew into adulthood, I started studying and working towards one goal and one goal only, to find stability and get some balance or at least attempt to, for whatever that means. That goal ended up materializing as the idea of owning a property, somewhere where I can return when everything goes wrong and that I know its mine. It might sound minuscule or dumb, but for someone like me that has never have a stable place to live in due to my parents mismanagement, I lived most of my life either renting or in someone elses house, always with the cloud of being an annoyance and being worthless. My record for living in one place is 4 years, so changing houses and changing schools every so often left me isolated.
Again, I don't blame this on anyone and I am focused on solving this, its my #1 priority but I also have had this cloud above everything else, a rainy cloud of doubt and uncertainty. What if it doesn't change anything? What if I change my fear of having nowhere to crash for a fear of losing my place to crash? I don't really have an answer to this, so I just keep moving and shove it down the old brain so that it comes back right on time for an anxiety attack in the future, like everyone else right?
I have tried to find solace in multiple places, in negative doctrines such as religion, atheism and nihilism but found this to not be a match with my view of the world, perhaps because I'm a hopeless optimism and romantic to the point of living mostly on hopium by society standards but it has worked out before so why abandon it?
So like any sane human being, I keep gazing into the abyss until I managed to find something that align a bit more to my views of the world to try and cope with the world and find some meaning and/or purpose in an uncaring universe that would rather smell its own farts than pay attention to you.
My musings into the abyss eventually lead me into Absurdism, something not really that far from Nietzsche and nihilism but at the same time on a completely opposite spectrum of perception of the world, if one assumes life is meaningless hence you should do nothing or care about anything the other proposes that since life is meaningless, you might as well do whatever you desire with it, sounds like the same statement but it really isn't.
You could condense it all into a simple quote:
“And it's inside myself that I must create someone who will understand.” ― Clarice Lispector
Take that as you will, for no one else but you will help guide you through the certainties and uncertainties of this absurd wordless world.
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