Split focus

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After a short visit from an out of town friend and his kids, I spent the rest of the day opening up part of the attic on the other side of the house. This will be my daughter's room and while the final plans are not yet inked, she will have a nice-sized space to play and room to grow into. I took her up there to see what has been going on and once she saw the space and I was explaining to her what is happening, her face lit up with a glow I haven't seen before - I think that she is very happy to be getting her own space in life.

My body is aching all over from the last week as I have cleaned up the pile of wood pulled out of the house so far to half-fill a container skip, as well as spent the entire weekend pulling more out more to fill the other half. It will be taken away today, weighed and then we will find out how much it has cost us. There is only construction wood in there to keep the costs down, and all the other materials will be sorted and taken to the recycling and rubbish plant with a small trailer in several trips.

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I haven't slept too well and have been up since 5 am after going to be late. At this very moment, my father is being laid to rest after living what can only be described as a busy life. He did and accomplished more than most and was well respected within every community he ever played a part, but I think that once he settled and had children, his focus was split between being an artist trying to make a name, to being a father trying to make ends meet. He never stopped being an artist, but his first priority was to his family.

Some people have a stereotype of an artist as someone who is carefree or troubled, emotional and messy, eccentric and disorganized - that was not my dad - he was disciplined and intentional with his life and while impractical in many ways, dependable in the way that you could always be assured, even when he failed, he always did his best.

He was by no means a perfect man, but he was better than most I have ever met or am likely to meet in this life. Everyone has their faults, he made up for his by attending to his strengths and using whatever he had to support the development of others. When younger, I wished he was more selfish, I wish he spent more time doing what he loved, painting and building his artistic career - I felt he was wasting a gift.

Half of me still feels that, but the other half understands the choice he made, the compromise of his life in order to be part of the lives of others. His wife, his five children and anyone who ever asked for help. I think his life was guided by a sense of service to the world, the responsibility to do what he could in the relationships he held, even if it meant that he himself would have to go without. He went without a lot of things and lived a frugal life while many of those he supported had much more.

I don't know if in the silence when he was alone he wished he had done differently, I don't know if he was regretful for giving his all to others without getting anything in return, but he never mentioned it openly. Was it suffer in silence or accept the turns of life's path?

His passing makes me reflect on my own journey and question which paths I am taking - Am I too selfish, not selfish enough, compromising to take responsibility, or becoming bitter. Am I losing myself to others, or gaining myself in service to others? Will my daughter understand the choices I have made - will accept them?

With an infinite array of possibilities ahead of us, our focus is always split, our attention always being drawn with some options seemingly intuitive and easy to make, while others are obscured from view and filled with uncertainty. We often think we take the road less travelled, but if we are acting on intuition, it is likely not the hard path, it is the one of comfort, the pre-selected conditioning telling us which direction to move.

It doesn't matter what we do, where we go, what is accomplished - at the end of the day, we all have to accept the point we arrive, as that is where our decisions have taken us. Each day our attention gets pulled and we make decisions that will lead us to that end point and while we can justify and lay blame, it is us who have decided on how we approach the world and how we have treated those who have crossed our path.

Potential used or lost, value added or damage done, an honest man accepts his part.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]



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I am glad to see that the portrait of the typical artist is demystified. A lot of people imagine artists like being from another planet, dreamy, reckless, without any purpose in life other than to create, weak in front of addictions etc. This is a wrong image. There are artists just like your father was: creative, yet disciplined, with a sense of loyalty towards the family. A well balanced artist.

I am sure that most of the times a parent might ask themselves if the children will accept their choices. I am not sure about this because usually kids grow up differently than we might have expected and see things with a different mindset than the one the parent had. I think acceptance is the responsability of the one who has to deal with mixed emotions. Parents will not always approve the choices of the child and viceversa. Choices must be done, embraced, understood. If not accepted, at least we must be able to make peace with them. We can't control the way we are perceived, we can only try to do the best choices and be the best model we can be. The rest is out of our control.

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There are artists just like your father was: creative, yet disciplined, with a sense of loyalty towards the family. A well balanced artist

Well balanced, but not necessarily balanced in the way that creates a "successful" artist - though he was. Sometimes it requires the abandonment of all else in favor of singular focus. My father was a very dedicated person, though often spread thin.

usually kids grow up differently than we might have expected and see things with a different mindset than the one the parent had

While there are many overlaps, they live in a different environment, different social constructs and technology - it influences in ways that an older generation might not be - good and bad.

We can't control the way we are perceived,

Never identify with the opinions of others. Consider them always.

we can only try to do the best choices and be the best model we can be. The rest is out of our control.

If we understand this about ourselves, we would be more accepting of others.

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Yes, very well said about the consideration we have for the opinions of others. I am sure that it is for the better to keep open ears and listen while staying true to your beliefs.

There are always people with a bag full of free (bad) advices ready to give them to anyone who will consider living their life by listening 100% to what other people say

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There are always people with a bag full of free (bad) advices ready to give them to anyone who will consider living their life by listening 100% to what other people say

The internet is a great place to give bad advice - no consequences for the advisor.

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It seems like a nice space. I've always liked the angled ceilings of attics.

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Me too, as long as the space is large enough that I don't have to stoop through the whole room. Though at my height, that is rarely a problem :)

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@tarazkp, Your daughter will grow further by having her own space. Your daughter looks as strong as you.

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She is a strong one indeed, mentally and physically :)

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Wow, how many questions that are unrealistic to find answers. At such moments (when the head is full of many questions) there is no better medicine than work. Well, do not relax, there is still a lot of work :)

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Most questions that influence our perspective and decisions in life have no way to be answered or, no clear answer. I think it is the search for answers that is important.

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(Edited)

Our lives, have many different phases and colors to them. Many ups and many downs are what contains them. With all of the diversities, there's one things in common, and that's the end of life which we all have to go through. At the end, as you said, we should be able to be ok with what we are, and what we have done. Acceptance of our flaws and imperfections, and of course the inevitable end of life, will definitely have a very important role in having a meaningful life.

May he rest in peace. <3

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Acceptance of our flaws and imperfections, and of course the inevitable end of life, will definitely have a very important role in having a meaningful life.

I guess it isn't too good to spend too much time worrying about the future, but I do think that we should at least consider what we are doing now and aim for an unconflicted life.

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For sure! I mean that's what we are all here for. :)

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I'll just bet smallsteps is excited to get her own space. One of the coolest spaces that I remember as a kid was of my friend. They had a family of 5 boys so had to maximize space in their farmhouse. My friend and his brother (the two youngest) shared a fair sized room. But they each had a finished dormer space that was PRIVATE. It was small, and crowded but sooooo cool. Been 55 years since I've seen that space and I still remember it well.

I'm sure your father made his choices with the very best information he had at the time. Like all of us sometimes right, sometimes not so much. But he consistently did his best for his family and community. That's some damn high praise right there.

How can I tell all this? His two boys that I know are pretty damn fine in my book. Tells me plenty.

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It was small, and crowded but sooooo cool. Been 55 years since I've seen that space and I still remember it well.

It is funny how we remember things like this. I had a friend who had a bedroom that joined up through a secret tunnel in the ceiling to his brother's bedroom. the tunnel had a little loft area that they would play in together. It was like the bat cave.

How can I tell all this? His two boys that I know are pretty damn fine in my book. Tells me plenty.

Thanks -I think at least one of us is a pretty decent person :)

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It would only have been wasted if he'd given up painting entirely.

Small's space looks like it's going to be an amazing place that she will always remember fondly :)

How you holding up?

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It would only have been wasted if he'd given up painting entirely.

He painted a lot, but I don't think he chased as hard for the career after a couple kids - then a couple more :)

The room is hopefully going to be awesome enough that she is happy staying there a lot :D

I am okay - it is a weird disconnected feeling as I wasn't there.

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Hola @tarazkp… He elegido tu post para mi iniciativa diaria de reblogear. Este es mi aporte para Hive…
Sigamos trabajando y aportando ideas para crecer en Hive!...
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Hello @tarazkp... I have chosen your post for my daily reblogging initiative. This is my contribution to Hive...
Let's keep working and giving ideas to grow in Hive!

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So glad to read that the little ones face lit up when she saw and heard your explantions about her future den.
I imagine that she is already making up stories about all that she is going to do up there hahaha.
A child's innocence is so contagious!

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She is indeed and has "settled" on pink and yellow for the wall colours - that will have to be run past mum of course :)

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(Edited)

Well, we will hope for dad to put in a good word for her.
Pink and yellow sounds nice enough to me.
It sounds like she is a warm little being!

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It sounds like she is a warm little being!

She is. Tough when she has to be - sensitive when she doesn't have to be tough.

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So, she has both of you in her which is always a good thing!

Anyways I am off for my beauty sleep.

Good night my friend and regards to your family!

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The demystification of an artist in your text is very interesting.

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Cheers mate. I have known many artists of different kinds - the flamboyant ones are often a mess that don't accomplish much - but think themselves very important and pure. A lot of artists live in a fantasy land, but the real art lays in the representation of reality.

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Beautiful post ... a lot of truth here ... another excellent tribute to your father ...

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