Contradiction and Chaos—Game of Ignorance

It's hard to find sense in something, I'm pretty much tired of reading books, watching movies and tv-shows and even listening to people's opinions about life. Some part of me is saying it's all just a bullshit. Even the greatest books and movies feel like something that makes no sense in this reality. It's same as in the case of people's opinion about life, nothing is matching to my reality or the way I see the world.

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It's not like I'm against all these things, it's more of the helpless state of having no interest in things. Everything is boring, whenever I try to some great guys words or even anyone's words it feels like there is no meaning it. It's just some fake words joined together to create a sentence that seems a brave one. It may feel like a great thought in the first place, but eventually, it all turns into ashes. Truth is my concept of life far far away from theirs or it's just I'm being the foolish cause of my ego.

I can't say I'm not egoistic, everyone is egoistic. It differs from person to person and the level of it varies. I think that ego is the thing that defines a person, the standard one gives himself. The self-created bubble to stay inside and look perfect. Building rules and staying inside, that way one can easily reasonable for his actions. He can easily come forward with his philosophies and support his actions. That's what one needs philosophies and rules.

It's also the thing I search for listening to someone, philosophies and rules. In each movie I watch or in each book I read I need something to adapt to my life. Most of the times it will be a quote that will share a certain idea, at first glance I think that I can easily adapt it and tries to save that some of the main storing areas of my brain. So whenever I'm onto doing something, this idea pops up and I try to adapt it and it fails most of the times.

This is simply me. Just trying to adapt others philosophies and trying to create rules to live life. Normally it's like continuing the process when I fail to adapt I search for something new. So books, movies, tv-shows and people, everything came and tried put some change in my way of seeing things. But the end result made me one in total co fusion.

Now I'm filled with a lot of knowledge that contradicts each other. I now have both sides of an idea, so I'm becoming in this middle stage where I can't choose one. It's a very uncomfortable state cause I'm losing my identity. It's like I don't have any idea about what is this called life is. I don't even know where to fit myself in, art or science or is there something that I still don't know about.

Now I'm more like a surviving machine in the mind level, just trying fool myself into things that not at all matter in any aspect. It's better than living in chaos, I'm just trying to consider that there isn't a certain rule for 'how to live', and there ain't any good and bad. All I can do is prioritise the things around me and completely ignore what is left. I'm ignoring a lot now, this isn't a stable state, but enough for not being sad.