Everything Seems Difficult

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Everything seems difficult when you want things to flow as gently as a river, but it rather comes back to you furious, bellowing angrily like a thunderstorm, and in most cases, without direction just like lightning.

While some people think that it not tiring or difficult to wait for someone you truly love, I beg to opine differently. It is difficult to wait on love. Waiting makes love very difficult. That shit feeling of waiting is horrible.


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That cozy morning, I woke up to a message on my cell phone. It read, " Let us stop this thing we call dating". I was taken aback, bewildered.
It was the last thing I had expected from her message content. I laughed and tried to shove the message out of my mind. While still battling with digesting the content of the message, the vibration of an incoming call, brought me back to the world of reality.

When I picked the call, the voice from the other end of the phone said; ' Did you get my message?" She asked. How could she be so rude? even though she was breaking up with me, certain courtesy still mattered. " I am dead serious, let us stop wasting each other's time" she cut in between my thoughts again. " I am not accepting that, I am not letting you go" I replied while struggling to remain calm. " Okay, you can stay, but I am out of this thing called a relationship," she said with some sting in her voice. Immediately she dropped the call, my heartbeat increased with a triple-speed, my stomach churned, I felt slightly dizzy. I tried to scream but I could not, I tried to cry, I still could not. Perhaps, it had something to do with the adage-" Men don't cry". Or maybe it wasn't the time to cry, since there was still some realm of hope.

I was going to wait for her to come back. As always, after calling it quits with me, she would eventually call out of the blues and demand to see me. After each get-back, we do what lovers do to make up for separated times.

I was always the loser, constantly falling for the cheap old tweak. After each meeting, I would booze myself and sometimes, pass out in front of my door.

But this time was different, I waited for days, days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Yet I kept waiting. There was the thing inside of me that always longed for her affection, her smile, her subtle touch, her warm kisses. I loved her so much to give up, yet I hated myself for not giving up. Each time, I would take a quick peek at some of her social media timelines. I loathed myself for engaging in this pathetic act. But that's what you do when you are in love with someone. It was crazy how I wanted to be sure that she was doing just fine and to burst my bubbles, she was doing perfectly okay, without me. This has further depicted me as an affectionate drunk loser.

Every day, I sulk myself with the hope of getting the magic call that would rewrite everything I was going through. I wrote hundreds of lines that seemed like poetry, I wrote about the magical things I would not hesitate to whisper in her ears when she shows up. Sometimes, I would sit in front of my door waiting for her to show up. I guess I had immersed myself into so many movies that ended happily. And just like the movies, I wanted our story to have a happy end too.

I would send tons of messages without getting feedbacks. I would glance again at her timelines with high hopes of seeing something related to missing me. But then, they all ended up with some crazy unrealistic positive expectations.

Nothing mattered to her. Not my emotions, nothing fucking mattered. Every day, I stayed up in wait for the one my heart yearns for, everything seems so difficult more than ever.

My head is sending a negative signal. It says she will never come back, but my heart reeks of positivity. It says I should hold and wait.

Perhaps this fate, this fate is testing my faith and faith makes everything so difficult. Faith makes waiting for love so difficult.

Save me, for I can't save myself.


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6 comments
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Wish you strength to face reality ... and save yourself.

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Thank you my dear friend.. It's been a while! How's life in the Netherlands? 😉

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Let's just say it's .... isolated, but nice and quiet. Hope you're doing better soon!

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Glad you are keeping safe hetty! And yea i'm fine enjoying the radiance of the bull market.

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