Why do you act the way you do? Why do you smile at every word uttered? Why do little things amuse you, so much that you find everything almost always humorous? Why are you at all times quick to apologize, even when you are more sinned against? She stared into my eyes as if searching for answers. She continued...
Why are you so quick to kindness, that you find it almost impossible to say No? Why are you so kind with words? Your behaviour amazes me in such a way that - that I am endeared to you and I find it impossible to hold back myself. What should I do?....she asked me these questions with tears clouded up her eyes. She kept blinking as if battling to prevent the tears which had swelled up her eyes from giving in to her emotions.
"Have you watched someone die"? I asked her. "Have you watched someone die"? I inquired again. I could see the surprise molding up her face. This time, I wanted to stop but I gave in to rage " Have you watched someone die? Answer me" I yelled. That moment, the tears which she has been battling with for a while now began to gently sleep down her cheeks, leaving a visible line to reveal the smear on her beautifully powdered face.
I watched him die, I couldn't apologize for yelling at him. I didn't realize that life was declining his existence. I had yelled at him to keep quiet because I thought he was being all dramatic. After all, he was sick. I didn't know that life was threatening to leave him, it was the cancer crisis. He kept crying and when I couldn't watch him cry anymore, I went over to him, hugged him, and said, "please stop crying now daddy", as he was fondly called. I patted his back, held him for a few minutes, and when I tried to disentangle myself from the warm embrace, the crisis started.
"Nurse! My brother is having seizures" I cried. Two nurses rushed over, while one of them went to call the resident doctor. I didn't know what to do. It was past 1 am. I quickly took my phone- called mum and dad to report the situation. The duo quickly drove down to the hospital.
Now I already was in tears, I tried to pray but couldn't find words. The only words I could remember were " God! do not let my brother die". I kept murmuring those words, while the doctors kept running in and out as if in a confused state. I couldn't stop myself from crying.
Soon, my parents arrived. "What happened?" my mum asked in tears. I couldn't find the voice to say a thing. At that moment, I started asking him to forgive me. I was all tears. " I am sorry, please don't leave us", I kept repeating in a teary voice.
My mum came closer and held me. That moment, I could see how strong she tried to be. I mean, she tried to hold back the tears- perhaps it was faith.
I kept crying. All my heart wanted was to hear him say..Okay big bro, smile at me as always and if possible, hug me.
Now, the seizures had become more fierce, his teeth kept locking. I could see my mum lost in her thoughts, staring into oblivion. My dad kept screaming " Doctor please, don't let my son die".
Now, we were all by his side, I was seated close to him. I held his hands, kept calling his name, and asking him to forgive me. I wailed because I knew that my apology might never be accepted anymore.
" We lost him," the doctor finally said.
For me, it was finished- I was finished. My younger brother died right before me. I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't get him to forgive me for yelling. That moment, I questioned God. My mum said that perhaps, it was the will of God. My dad concluded that the doctors were incompetent. In all, I blamed myself for my brother's death. I should have cared more, loved more, given more, smiled more, and made every moment memorable for us.
It's 9years now, and I still haven't forgiven myself. I have lived with the guilt of not showing empathy even on his deathbed.
Today, I am paying for my sins, when you hear me say sorry when you see me smile a lot and do the things that I do, know it- something happened to me. My brother happened to me and I am living my life, paying for my sins.