I Hurt Inside And It Makes Me Miserable

Whenever I try to get up and lay back down to my bed I would use my arms to support my legs and it strains my left arm where my dialysis access is located and now it is hurting like mad whenever I would use it.

I already had taken three tablets of my pain reliever and it actually diminished the pain. Had it not for the pain reliever I think I can never even take a bath on my own or even try to get up from my bed.

Now my ears are also ringing badly maybe due to that NSAID pain reliever. It is a torturous condition on its own and it also bothers me 24/7 which I think will get me mad or crazy one day.

The pain in my back includes my tailbone which is why it hurts to lay down or get up. So I am really in fear because it will be possible for me to be a vegetable one day with pain all over that would never get a relief. That is bad for me and those that supports me physically because I will be much of a burden when I needed things like bathing schedules.

I will be lying if I would say that I am not worried about my future because I am deeply frightened because I know what exactly will happen to me. My joints will give way especially my hip joint or would get paralyzed when finally my backbone itself would break.

Plus of course the pain that I will be going through which I believe will be like I am a huge glob of gout where even a touch will bring me misery. I am not trying to be dreadful about it but it is a reality when I would not get myself into surgical intervention which I hope that will not be too late but in the back of my mind due to some other complications or comorbidities it will make me a high risk for such surgeries that I wanted to happen.

But I have another hope which is to write a waiver stating that my doctors would not be held liable for any eventualities that will cause my death arising from complication from the surgery. I guess that I can get my needed surgeries through that way. But in doing so I will have the risk of dying and such but it is really worth the risk, I rather die though than to live like this with pain and misery for the remaining days of my life.

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