Life Is Shit I Want My Money Back ( FYI I only accept bitcoin payments)

Steemit, how much I've been missing you these past months! So many posts to write, so little mental strength to do so.
I thought that being out of school would be of immense help to my mental health that has been failing me these past months. My life is getting out of hand. But the ugly truth is that I've partly orchestrated the nightmare that I'm going through. Self SabSabotage at its finest. Help yourself dear, because I can't.

Depressive episode numero uno.

Something minor happens. I start crying uncontrollably. I get into my bed to try to calm myself down. Or perhaps to fall asleep to forget how much it hurts for a little while. It doesn't work. I try to sit at my desk and write down my thoughts. I manage to write one sentence before I fall into a deeper darker hole. I go back into my bed. My mind spirals again and again. Feels like I'm getting ripped open from the inside out. The bed no longer does the trick, now I need to roll on the fucking floor hoping that somehow the pain will subside. Sorry, not today Sab. Better luck tomorrow. Or perhaps never. The thought of getting admitted into a psych ward gets prevalent af. That's what trauma and a lifetime of pain does to you. Healing can't take that away. Some things can't be cured. Tonight I feel like dying and never feeling the way I feel now ever again. But I have a mom and some amazing beings that pick me up and remind me that there's still hope out there. Hopefully.

Until then, I'll say as my favourite therapist says it best: take care of yourself because you deserve it, you really really do.