When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou
Our wounded inner child has been led to believe that love is only right if it hurts. That our heart is the playground on which our partner has every right to perform emotional murder. That’s what we tragically learned in between the walls of our broken home. Getting high off trauma bond's intermittent rewards supply keeps us hooked to our narcissistic partner. It doesn’t matter that we get abused 9.9 times out of 10 - that 0.1 is enough for us to rationalize the normalcy of our relationship.
Like an addict nervously waiting for its next fix, we will do absolutely anything to get another sip of this toxic poison we mistake as Love. Familiarity is calling our name - and we will run straight toward her, even though she’s the supreme danger. Blame it on our caregivers, they showed us firsthand that we didn’t deserve any better.
From bliss to torture - adoration to devaluation - we have taught ourselves to endure it all, while patiently waiting for the next love ‘reward’. Childhood trauma on replay – avoidance, shame and humiliation are the only types of attention that were given to us. Because even brutal attention is better than none, we will put up with anything in the name of toxic love.
The thought of running away from this immensely damaging relationship is too unbearable for our mind to entertain. We’ve equated chaos with love. That’s all we’ve ever known. The language of unconditional love is foreign to the broken child inside us. Inconsistency is our safe place, even if it burns us alive time and time again. I hate to love you, yet even though you pierced another hole in my heart, I don’t think I could ever do life without you.