It's a time where so many things are coming to a head. So many deep and ugly pimples now coming to the surface to pop. While everyone is focused on this virus or the markets or this battle between Justin Sun and the community, I can only seem to look inward.
I'm not looking inward to seek peace or solace. I've found a demon in there and I need to go slay it. Perhaps this is the root of all our problems.
It's not easy to put this into words. It still hasn't taken form.
You know how so many people are quick to say that they don't care what other people think? Isn't that just some nice food for the ego? I don't lie to myself I care what others think. It's not even about wanting to be liked. It's about creating the kind of world that I want to live in. When others judge me or when others ignore me, it is often an indicator that the society is not ready for the world that I'm ready for, or that there is a lack of people to work with.
There is definitely some trauma inside of me regarding this. I want you to read what I wrote. I want you to respond. It's not that I like the attention. It's not even that I want to matter in this world, although I really do. It's that I'm here on this Earth and I have to do something with my time and so I've decided to be creative and improve myself and try to improve the world in the process. People reading and responding means I'm getting through and making progress. People ignoring means that I'm not. It means I still have a shitty relationship with society. It makes me sad.
I still have a lot of micro trauma from years of not being respected by others. Being different was fun, and I love myself. I wouldn't change any of it. I think I'm awesome, but I still have this expectation that others will not understand and will reject me. This doesn't hurt my self esteem at all, it just hurts my willingness to share with others. It hurts my passion for connecting with the world. Many times I've been met with responses that reinforce this micro trauma.
I always seem to be riding a different wave from everyone else. There are a few exceptions and they keep me going, but even with them, I am always on a different schedule, or a different focus and so it's hard to collaborate.
It feels as if there is a leak and I've been searching for it for years and I still haven't managed to find it. I don't have much choice, I can only continue to search for it but this vehicle is getting tired and needs to be repaired soon or it's going to fall apart.
I will be ok.i just hit something in my psyche that I wasn't expecting. I know everyone is busy thinking about the end of the world and the end of steem so I don't expect this post to be any different from my others, I can prefect who will comment. I am really thankful for those 4-5 people who continue to read what I write, even when I'm too overwhelmed to reply. You are basically the only sign of progress that I have