Marriage Therapy With Sab – Session #1 - Compassionate And Mindful Communication V.S. Hostile Communication

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(Edited)

We too often hear some variation of the good old
Communication is key in a relationship.

Now, if we’re going to spit the facts, we better go all the way.
(thanks to you radical honesty!)
This statement misses one (very) important part to it.
That is: What kind of communication is key in a relationship?

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COMPASSIONATE AND MINDFUL COMMUNICATION V.S HOSTILE COMMUNICATION

I will be using two examples to differentiate them.

Example #1 Using Hostile Communication Featuring Katie And Peter

Katie: Why do you always have to be on your phone when we’re eating together? You are so disrespectful.

Peter: Maybe it’s because you always whine about the same old annoying drama that happens at work?

Katie: Wow ok. Well I can guarantee you that I have way more fun being with my coworkers than being with the ungrateful douche that you are.

What is wrong here?

I used this very example to illustrate that communication is only effective if it is done in a way that is mindful of our partner's feelings. It’s important to understand that underneath anger and hostility always lays a need. In this case, Katie’s need is to connect with her partner. However, the approach she chose to use to attempt at getting her need met is not one that is very gentle.

When we voice our need(s) in a way that attacks our partner, we can only expect for them to adopt a defensive stand against our attack(s). Which more often than not leads the conflict to escalate. The more the conflict escalates, the further away we drift from getting our needs met, and the more tension we create between us and our spouse.

End result: Both parties are hurt. Katie feels even less connected toward her partner.

Example #2 Using Compassionate And Mindful Communication Featuring Katie And Peter (Making It Right This Time)

Katie: Peter? Would you mind if we both turned off our phones for dinner? I would love to connect with you right now, especially after having been away from each other all day.

Peter: Of course darling. (puts phone away) What was I thinking? I’m sorry. You are right. Tell me about your day!

What is right here?

Katie articulates her demand in a kind way. Not only does she include herself in the demand that she makes ("if we both turned off our phones for dinner"), but she also states what she wants from Peter right now : quality uninterrupted time to connect with him.

Now, you could say that depending on Peter’s mood and/or personality, this exchange could have gone a completely other way. Which is true, it could have headed in another direction. However, even if that ended up being the case, we could speculate that given Katie’s emotional agility, her response to Peter would most likely be one that is compassionate, which would help avoid the potentiality of their exchange turning into a full blown fight. (like is the case in the 1st example)



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