Outlawz.. With Potential!!! | Moments of empowerment

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This picture was once named "Outlawz... with potential!"

You may find this odd, and I understand. The reason I share this picture is not because of the great photographic skills behind it, but it's because it symbolizes a new era in my life. One that was long overdue, and where I needed to break a cycle, which was very hard. Because breaking it meant stepping back from what I had been fighting for, which is impossible to understand for people that haven't walked in similar shoes. And therefore it took me quite some time before I could justify it to myself, and from there to my partner and some of the friends that were left.

We were outlaws, outcasts, considered trash and we hit rock bottom. We lost everything we worked hard for in our lives, and many things we were proud of. But most of all we lost the battle I was fighting against my ex, meaning he denied me the right (and according to agreements) to see my (at the time) 2 children. They were the reason I left to a women's shelter, to protect them from his violent behaviour, and there I was 1,5 years later.. seeing how everything was taken from me (and my partner). We had nothing left but our car and some stuff in storage. No home, children with the father who denied contact, while he was the reason the family was torn apart once. I felt hopeless, sad, angry and most of all overwhelmed like any person that has dealt with a narcissistic psychopath experiences. It's hard to explain, but those that have been there, know.


Everyone made us feel like outlaws

It was not enough to take everything from me, and make me feel miserable having to fight in court and with child protective services in between. No, he was the real deal, I had to see rock bottom, preferable he wanted to dance on my grave. He almost succeeded when it turned out the system was as corrupt as could be, until I found out I was expecting. Not the situation you want for your child, and definitely not one that is ideal, but for me it was my saviour, being pregnant of my youngest was literally the reason I'm still here. She gave me a reason to find the strong person inside me back, because I totally lost touch with that person. I was only a shade of the person I used to be, and every day was dark, filled with fear and many tears.

We felt like outlaws. Not only did my ex try to bring us down as hard as he could, he also clearly had connections at the police plus child protective services. That's why I knew I was never going to succeed to expose him. Because the proof was already there, except it was never used. It never mattered.

Outlaw . A person who has broken the law, especially one who remains at large or is a fugitive."bands of outlaws held up trains" synonyms: fugitive, wanted criminal, outcast, exile, pariah, bandit, desperado, brigand, robber, criminal, black hat; informal villain"bands of outlaws held up trains"

Funny how we felt outlaws, while he was the one breaking laws. But we were outcasts, and at a certain point we felt like fugitives as well. The reason I share the picture is, because it symbolizes the exact moment I felt powerful again. After not receiving our welfare for 6 months (only a few small amounts to keep us silent) while we were entitled to receive it, we lost our home. If it weren't for my creative side of finding ways to survive, we probably would have ended up in the gutter starving to death. But I found ways to get free food online, in supermarkets where they had these rules that when you find something past the expiration date, you get one for free etc. I had my ways, and we didn't know many days of hunger.


We had nothing left, but at least we had norms and values!

It's not easy to go to several supermarkets a day to hunt for those items, to make sure you have food, which you can either eat or trade for something else with other people doing the same. You feel shame at first, but it was survival, and although the title may imply that we broke laws, we never did. The whole point was that that was against our own norms and values, we didn't want to get money or food by robbing someone or hurting someone, neither did we want to steal. We found other ways that weren't against the law, and we managed to survive for 6 months doing that.


I started to get my voice back again

I found out that I was pregnant while I was already 17 weeks along. Although it was my third child, I didn't show.. I felt fine and nothing would make you suspect I was pregnant. Of course we were immediately targeted by child protective services once they found out I was expecting. That's how these things go, once on their radar, it's hard to get rid of them. All this time I thought I should always agree on what they told me to do, work with them and never go against what they proposed me to do. This didn't work, and it sure didn't make me happy either.. I felt myself dying inside slowly.. every day a piece of me died from the stress and other heavy emotions. I decided it was enough.


I needed to convince myself first, believing that the hardest decision I was going to make was the only right one I could make in this situation

Sleepless nights trying to explain to myself what needed to be done, and finally listening to my gut feeling trusting it would guide me the right way. I had been ignoring signs my gut feeling gave me the past years, and looking back on those moments, listening to it would would have prevented me from paying the high price of the mistakes that I made. When my gut feeling warns me for someone, I better listen. I knew the only way out, was to actually get out. Leave the toxic environment where my ex would always be able to make me live in fear, and otherwise his "friends" would take over. I would always stay his target, because I'd always stay their mother. That was enough reason, because that's what these people get high on, others grieve and pain.

As soon as the organisation paying us welfare decided (after an appeal from us which took 6 months!) that we were indeed entitled to that money, they didn't rectify anything besides the money they owed us. Staying at my moms house was also suddenly forbidden by the real estate agency (they were all closely connected so it turned out), so we booked a ticket to a warmer country to get out of the stress environment and have low living costs during those 10 days. We extended with 11 days while being there, as it was insanely cheap to stay compared to buying food in our home country.


I knew I needed to empower myself

Many told us we were insane, we should find a house, but nobody understood (because they never actually took the time to listen to us) that we were about to give up on life, we had no flame left inside. Being there gave us back ourselves, every day a little piece came back. And I started writing. I started writing a lot, I wrote until 3 am at night while my partner slept, I kept writing until my tears were dried up. I needed to write down what I needed to do, to have that final moment of approval from myself that I needed to be the strongest me I could be, to be able to ever get those 2 children back. Because every little bit of weakness I would show, would be used against me and held under a magnifier. My unborn child needed me, and she was the only one that I could protect, and the only one where I was in control if I took control.


The book of our story suddenly had a name

I decided that the many pages I wrote, were meant to be in a book one day, not sure on how that would turn out in the future, but I saw this picture and I knew the name was going to be:

Outlawz.. With potential!

The outlaws written with a z, because that's connected to my previous online businesses I had. I love tweaking names. The with potential part, was there because I was determined (and still am!) to show the world that we were not those people they painted us to be, and that the following sheeple believing them (especially those that should have known better) would one day be confronted with my book, being ashamed of how they acted at the time. We did nothing to deserve what has been done to us. We couldn't fix it in Holland, and I thought of a solution outside of the box, not the solution people approve, but it was OUR solution, and it was the best we could have ever made. The reason you see two of these hats on the picture, is because that was kind of our signature at the time, my boyfriend wore a hat for years, and I started wearing one myself as well. So we were that couple with the hats.. It was kind of our signature.


Writing has been my therapy ever since

Even though that book is still unfinished, and some others have been written for 25 or even 50% as well, it will one day be out there. And I will make sure that those that need to read it, will receive a copy of it. Because my story matters, the story that ripped apart a family because a psychopath hungry for power had enough connections to destroy the mother of 2 children which she loves to death. Writing has been my therapy ever since, I've written whenever I needed to process things, and therefore I half many work half-done or almost finished. But that doesn't matter, because everything will be finished at exactly the right time, and I will know when to focus on what part.


We are still here, against all odds!

We have already proven that we have potential, and that we have skills, and although some days I seriously consider of taking away the curtain that I hide behind, my nickname... I still know and feel that if I do so at this moment, we may be in danger again, and therefore I won't. I will not risk that my incognito time online was all for nothing. Things will be revealed at the exact right time, and until then, I will keep writing, sharing and dreaming of that moment that our family is reunited. The thing I'm most proud of, is the fact that we have come from having nothing, to climbing up to this point.. we only had each other and no financial support of family or friends. We took a dive into the unknown, and started the biggest adventure of our lives, with that we wrote the next pages of our own book.. Until it's finished I will keep writing..

And I hope you will keep reading my stories!

~Anouk



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I read this last night around 2/3 AM, so I didn't respond. Don't know I have anything 'real' to add except that it's an impressive story and thank you for sharing. I wish for you to get your story 'out there' so you can close a part of your life - and maybe even see your kids again someday.

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Hey @soyrosa, I appreciate you stopping by, and I know at 2/3am isn't the best time to leave a comment.. but I also get it when people just don't know what to say at all at writings like this. It's completely understandable..

I'm sure one day it will get out there the full story. But not before I feel it's the right time. And I will see them again, I'm 100% sure that once the father has no control over them anymore they will look for me, until then it will probably not be safe for me or even us.. So with that in mind, there's nothing else that I can do than wait for the right moment..

Thanks for stopping by <3

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