Making Memories

It is now a month and a half after Rowan's surgery, and so much has happened again. So much to tell. And everything feels so double at the moment. On the one hand, I am so very happy with what I have achieved ... and on the other hand, so terribly sad about how everything seems to coincide now.

The most wonderful news is that I can finally, yes, finally… tell that I was able to order a new camera last week that I expect this week. And I didn't win the grand prize, I really couldn't order a Nikon D850, I had so much money and I don't have it available. But what I was able to do, and therefore did… is to order a Nikon D750. That will make a huge difference to my photos. And that's not all, because I could finally order a 24-70 f2.8 lens. Wow ... yes, I am naturally very happy with this. After years of dreaming about a new camera I finally got it done. After the struggle with my current Nikon D300s, which is increasingly on the point of giving up, I can replace it with a great upgrade for me, and not just an upgrade, but an upgrade to one of the best full-frame cameras that Nikon has made . Because even though this model camera has been on the market since 2014, it is and remains a fantastic camera with incredibly good image quality. And the addition of the 24-70 f2.8 lens makes everything even better of course. Do I have nothing left to dream about? Oh believe me, certainly ... there are still a number of lenses that I drool over, but which are still really out of reach. Well a person must also have something to dream about. We'll say that keeps the motivation high.

Motivation!

Only that motivation, my god, I hope I can hold it up now that I have such a very sad news to tell on the other hand.

Because it was Rowan who gave me back my love for photography after the death of my parents. It has been Rowan who has supported me for 11 years through thick and thin. It has been Rowan who makes me smile every day for 11 years when I grab my camera, and he jumps around like a happy puppy because he loves to go out with me and the camera. It is Rowan who has been unconditional for me for 11 years ... whatever happens, I know I can count on him. And it is Rowan that I will soon have to say goodbye to.

After the operation it all seemed to go very well, the result we received was half favorable, half not. And now, a month and a half later, it has been determined that the unfavorable part has won. Last Saturday I felt a new bump at its tailset on the left, and of course I responded by calling the vet.

He came last Thursday, and poked a needle in the hump, sucked in some cells and looked under the microscope. What was shown here is a clear accelerated cell division. An internal examination at Rowan soon yielded the diagnosis that again tumors can be felt. The area where Rowan has had surgery, that is nice and clean and he is very well healed from his operation. But in other places, deeper and in the direction of the pelvis, new tumors have emerged. And they grow fast ... Unfortunately, nothing can be changed now. According to the vet, it is more a matter of weeks than of months. The only thing we can do now is enjoy the time that he is still feeling good and make memories as long as possible.

That is what feels so double for me now. Rowan who has brought me so much, who has given me my love for photography ... and just now that I can FINALLY buy a new camera, should I soon say goodbye to my support? A new camera, a new chapter, but no more Rowan?

I don't want to believe it yet, but the facts are there ...

So what I'm doing now is trying to make a party WITH Rowan every day. I try to stay as cheerful as possible because he feels my mood like no other. And the sadness that is indeed present ... I push that away, that will come again when he is no longer there. And that day, I hope that will stay away longer as expected. I hope the new camera will be here soon ... and we can still make beautiful memories.

But how strange it will be later… What will I miss him when the moment comes and I have to let him go.