Beating Bullies...
“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.” –Chris Colfer
Today was one of those days that I think many parents, especially previous rebels themselves DREAD! - It was "parent teacher meeting" day and for those of us that were less than well-behaved at school ourselves, I think we are somewhat knee jerked back to those moments of reprimand lol... It was actually quite comical to have this discussion with other "now responsible parents" today haha... hell, I mean I did so horribly one year in primary school, and was so petrified to face my father the morning after he had attended the PTM that I left for my walk to school at 5.30am - long before he woke up! lol...
The PTM this term was a little different to others because Jude's school has adopted a project based learning approach to education to inspire and teach topics of relevance in today's society as well as to start equipping them with the tools they need in order to make something of themselves in this world, such as working toward long term goals, functioning well in teams, problem solving, researching content etc.So there were no reports issued - each parent and child met with each respective teacher to breakdown and discuss the term passed, the achievements, the misses and a plan for the way forward. - WHY was education not this forward thinking in my time lol... Text book education is dying a swift death and the sooner this is realised by ALL, the better off all our kids will be!
I have shared this with some of you, but Jude had a total emotional rollercoaster ride in 2018 (Grade 3) and sadly, I only found out what was going on on September that year. From grade 1 through to the beginning of grade 3, I was told that he was very popular among his peers - he was a happy little boy who participated in pretty much everything he could...soccer, cricket, science club, karate, coding etc. At the beginning of grade 3 things began to change.
A little boy that would often declare how much he loved his school started to shy away. Our morning trips to school became quieter as he sat staring out the passenger window. He dropped each and every one of his extra murals eventually, expressing that he had no interest in them anymore. I used to have to park and go drag him off the soccer astro at the end of the day but this too changed and every single day I arrived to collect him, I would find him sitting right next to the security at the entrance gate. This situation got worse as the months went on, his school marks were borderline fails and our morning trips to school had become tear filled.
I honestly could not take it anymore because no matter how many times I asked him - he said nothing! I was eventually called in because HE was in trouble for "name calling". This raised a very red flag for me because Jude is NOT an ugly child unless provoked. That Friday night I sat down with him and we started to chat. We chatted for a good two hours about all sorts of stuff and EVENTUALLY it came out that he was being bullied by the new boy, who had at the beginning been great friends with him and his best friend but for whatever reason the dynamic had changed - Jude's best friend since Gr1 suddenly wanted nothing to do with him and to add to it, they were now bullying him.
As a mother, I felt like the biggest fool for not seeing this sooner, but the reality is, as parents... we often don't and it is not because we don't care it is simply because there is so much going on that we don't always pay the necessary attention to very vital signs.
In Jude's case, I approached the principal and teacher straight away and the matter was tackled head on. The bullies and Jude "had it out" in front of the teachers and they openly admitted to doing what they had been accused of and apologised. It stopped after that and it has mended itself to a point where Jude now plays with them both again.... to be honest I think he plays with them because he misses his best friend and simply tolerates the bully, but either way - the dynamic has settled into something a lot healthier.
At the beginning of this year I was SO weary of what lay ahead and was also greatly concerned about the impact all of this had on his school work... but I am so happy to say that this year has been a complete 180 for him! At the end of the second term his teacher asked me how I felt about his marks and I said I was really pleased because they were a great improvement compared to where he had been the year prior. She seemed a little surprised, but then I later discovered that she was not aware of what Jude had gone through. I said then that I was happy to see such an improvement and that I believed it would continue to get better granted the social situation no longer hindered his emotional and mental state.
Today was a GREAT day for me as a mom! Meeting with his teachers to discover that he very nearly reached A's in all his subjects was such music to my ears!!!! I really could have cried with joy right there!
It is SO hard as parents when you see this absolutely perfect little person in front of you unraveling and you don't know WHY!!! It was the most heartbreaking year I have ever had and I hope that Jude NEVER has to go through anything like that again! He is such a beautiful little soul... no, let me rephrase that because he is not a little soul... he is a very, VERY LARGE soul! One which has so much love, passion, compassion, enthusiasm and vibrancy and he deserves to reach the heights he has the natural ability to!
Why am I writing and sharing this? - because I know I am not alone and I hope that parents will wake up to the reality that faces our kids in the 21st century! They face SO much more than we did and we need to be there for them. People "joke" about bullying, passing flippant remarks about how kids these days need to toughen up - the world is a very different place and this one very pivotal fact needs to be acknowledged, because it is the LACK of this one very attention which is turning the world into what we see on the news today...
I am ever sorry that my 8 year old son had his spirit broken to the point it was, but on the fipside of that coin - we have BOTH learnt from it, overcome it and have moved on to much more positive places... I wish the same for any others that travel that road.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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HUGS!! @jaynie. I know you had mentioned this from time to time. I am so glad you were able to get things resolved. It even shows that even though you have a great relationship with you kid, they don't want to tell you the bad that is going on even when you know something is up. I think part of it is they don't want to disappoint. Usually boys too, they don't want mom stepping in LOL.
Jude is very astute for his age. Sounds like a good school and a great change in dynamic.
So true hey... boys especially! "Braveheart and all"... as for Jude, yes astute he is. A very old soul that one! Have been told by several people that HE is my teacher, not the other way around and I don't doubt it for a second! :) He is a truly one in a million soul.
Such a lovely quote
agreed :)
Bullying in the US is a big problem. It is so scary that kids kill themselves over
it :(
So sorry your child went through it but glad he came out of it , @jaynie
It is not just in the US - it is EVERYWHERE!!!! The suicides, beatings and other crap that goes on here is insane and you must know a lot of these are from poverty stricken areas where the violence is rife! Kids are initiated into gangs before they are even into double digits! and the stuff they do once in a gang... no words!
Wow... I'm surprised that it resolved itself in such a manner... who would have thought it would be possible to turn around the situation to one where they would be playing together again!
My oldest daughter is not so much younger than your boy (she is going to turn 8...)... I guess I should start keeping an eye out for these things... but it just seems like it is so unbelievable that kids that age would bully or ostracise others...
Make no mistake... he does not LIKE the bully - but I think in his own right he has weighed up the option and consequence. The other boy used to be his best friend and I think they BOTH miss being friends without being dictated to... so I suppose simply a tolerance. Jude also seems to now stand his ground with the controlling character of the bully. I think learning that he has people on his side and also the shame that boy was subjected to when having to admit what he had been doing for the better part of a year and without any real justification gave Jude a sort of restored confidence.
The world our kids are living in is scary... we need more than two eyes and ears for the shit the kids catch on these days.
By both having to state their case to and directly in front of each other and their teachers, everything was brought out into the open. This was probably such a critical moment ~ Maybe Jude had thought no-one would believe him and so had to keep a lot to himself ~ Which then impacted everything else. But once out in the open, the truth needed to be accepted and forgiven. So that the journey of both boys could continue on a new note. Loved reading how everything started to change after this Jaynie.
My little bullying story ~ Although I never think about it and it was SO long ago. I was publically humiliated by my English teacher when I was about 14/15. Up until then I'd always been pretty good at English but I started failing. It wasn't intentional and I was really surprised about it, and then the English teacher wanted to have a bit of a 'chat' with me about it. I can't remember now what was said ~ And at that stage of my life I didn't know how to stand in my own energy or state my case, but it did clear the air.
A few years later, a different school and an inspirational English teacher who encouraged debating on current and often controversial topics and I came top of the class. Just shows how much we are influenced by the 'aura' of our teachers, and not just the ABC of text book learning. ♥︎♥︎⚖️♥︎♥︎
Just be thankful he wasn't the bully! I can't imagine what I would think if one of my kids turned out to be the nasty one...
Oh how tremendously hard that must have been to see those drastic changes happening in your son! I am so glad you got that opportunity to talk to your son and get to the bottom of things - And to have a complete turn around! What Joy!
I'm so happy for you and your son and I thank-you for sharing your story with hopes it may help others in that situation!
It was indeed a very trying year but yes, equally as happy to see the dramatically positive changes :) Thank you @porters xxx
Such happy news @jaynie and @judethedude!
Indeedy! :)
What a fantastic end to the term - I am so proud of Jude! xx
It is shocking to me how bad bullying is getting in the schools and even worse that the teachers do not see it. Great school he is in and I agree Text book education is dying a swift death and the sooner this is realised by ALL, the better off all our kids will be!
Wish parents will wake up about this and not moan that I am not spoonfeeding little Johnny.........believe it or not I am actually doing him a favor.
Good thing you found out before middle school when it can become unbearable.
Bulling in Korea is really intense. There is a term in Korea called wang-tah (왕따) which means outcast and pretty much every class in school has one or two of these people. Until very recently, teachers had a bad habit of joining in or at least accepting it.
Oh what a happy ending! Now to the beginning, I can clearly see your position. You noticed the change (good parenting) and you asked (good parenting). You did get it resolved (good parenting).
So much has changed in the 100 years or so since I was in school lol. Seriously though, bullying is a real big issue here in the US. Now they use knives and guns to do it. The teachers are overwhelmed and dont want to get involved. I know too many people that have had a child commit suicide because they were being bullied. So I say well done and so glad your story had a happy ending.
I think I may have shared a little of my experience with bullies as a child with you previously, so this resonates a lot with me. I am so happy for the both of you that it all worked out in the end. Jude is a gem of a soul, so I'm sure he will use this experience for good at some point in life when he is doing amazing things! Sounds like that school is really doing some fab work, as well. Awesome to hear of a place where they are actually trying to teach the children how to function in the real world and not just pass a test!
This makes me so, so, so angry.
Best I say nothing here!
Sweethart you are rIsing a beautiful strong man and i think Pare ring is the harders job i have had so far
Glad you could address the bullying. I'm curious about the problem-based approach to school. That seems much better than the current US approach of teaching to the test.
So sad to hear that Jude was bullied. It's something I experienced myself at school.
That period he went through where it wasn't resolved was probably the most isolating thing he'd had to endure in his life up until then.
Yeah, those type of people are usually people who were bullies themselves or worse the 'suck ups' who hung around bullies or turned a blind eye. To be honest this whole subject gets me riled as I lost a quintessential part of myself due to bullying. It made me hate my introvert nature and turned me into a cynic at a much too early age.
I guess some kids do sort of come out of those types of experiences stronger, but an equal amount carry psychological scars intro adulthood.
I've got no time for bullies these days. Something flipped in me when I was around 18 when I'd learned martial arts and just decided it was time to fight back. These days I either verbally or physically shut them down before they can get started, and it's got me in trouble in adult life at times. Don't get me started on trolls 🤣
Lol, there is a lesson in this rant comment though; don't leave it as late as I did to find resolution to these things. It sounds like Jude has found some balance and a measure of control, helped by his very able and supportive mum 🙂👍
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@jaynie - I'm so glad you got to the bottom of the problem and they were able to work it out. It's heartbreaking to see your child in distress and not be able to "fix it" for them. It doesn't get any easier when they are grown either. Hopefully, other parents can take heart from you talking about yours and Jude's experience.
Oh my gosh, I’m so glad it has gotten better. I can’t believe bullying is still happening in this day and age. Perhaps it always will.
Yeah I was bullied too as a kid. I was glad to leave school. Good that Jude is doing so well and schools are working to get the best out of kids.
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Luckily it's a happy ending after the confrontations. Can't imagine what will happen if it has gotten worst.
Bullying is a serious issue everywhere and I am glad things got resolved. Here in our country we have an anti bullying act. Had an issue once with my son at school when he was younger. I printed out the act and gave a copy to his teacher. So sad to say the teacher was not aware of the act lol. I believe that the teachers should be the first line of defense to notice any bullying going on. Happy to hear his grades good now inspite of the ordeal.
It's unfortunate, but the world is a very different place today. My grandson recently came home with a shiner under one eye. When he told me the story about how he got it, some kid just decided to land him one out of the blue, I asked him, "And what did you do?" He said, "I bloodied his nose."
I had to. I gave him a fist bump and congratulated him. His mother was like, "No! They have channels for reporting that."
Nope. The quickest channel is fist to face. I've never seen a bullying situation that couldn't be fixed with decisive head-on action. Lucky for him that no one at the school saw it happen because these days they suspend people for defending themselves. But I'm old school. If there's a fight, form a circle around them, and don't break that circle until one of them is on the ground and can't stand up. Let the victor walk away proudly, and hope the victor is the one on the right side of the conflict rather than the bully or instigator.
I teach my grandkids not to start fights, but don't run from them and don't lose them. Those are my three rules. Don't start 'em, don't run from them, and don't lose them. You follow those rules, I'll always be behind you.
Dealing with bullies is something we all have to learn at some point. If we're lucky, we deal with them without having to get physical, but if it takes getting physical, well, life isn't a bed of roses. I hope your son learned a good lesson and didn't get hurt with any lasting damage.