We also all know how upsetting it can be to have someone not listen to our feelings, not validate our suffering, not just stop for a minute and take our perspective and let us know they understand.
No matter whether you’re a woman or a man, everyone needs both emotional support and practical help.
Neither one is right or wrong, better or worse.
The trick is knowing what is needed at any given moment and finding the right balance of listening and helping.
Is being aware of and understanding yourself and your coworker/partner/friend & recognizing the consequences of your actions, and learning from your mistakes.
Mutuality to recognizing that both people have needs, both are legitimate, and both deserve to be met. Emotion regulationis how to managing your feelings in response to what is happening, expressing them in a calm way, and not acting in a hostile, critical, or impulsive manner.
Recognize that you both have different ways in which you prefer to seek and provide support and work to understand each other’s perspective
Perhaps they don’t yet understand that the nail is the actual problem.
Maybes they do, and they just need some emotional support before they will be able to do anything about it.
Perhaps they believe the solution to the problem is going to cause worse pain or that it can’t actually be
Take a deep breath & see their perspective (they’re in pain and need you to soothe them), calm your own frustration, and give them what they want.
When someone is trying to problem solve with you, doesn’t mean they’re not listening and they don’t care about your feelings. In fact, it likely means they care deeply about your well-being and want you to be okay.
They’re desperately trying to ease your pain
Don’t keep repeating things that don’t work.
Couples do this all the time. They keep trying to get their own needs met, or meet their partners’ needs in the same way, over and over again, when their strategies clearly are not working...
It’s like, “If I just keep doing this, eventually it’s going to work”
but that’s just not true.
What’s worse is that they then blame their partner for it not working (“What’s wrong with you that you can’t just take my advice?!
What’s wrong with you that you can’t just listen to me and understand my feelings?!”).
You need to understand the consequences of your behavior and learn from them. So, stop blaming and criticizing your partner for strategies that don’t work, and stop repeating those strategies. If you know your partner prefers emotional support, then don’t just keep providing only practical support. Your partner is never going to feel like his/her needs are being met. And if you know your partner is better at providing help rather than just listening, don’t keep trying to get your partner to never offer solutions. Get comfortable with the fact that he or she is a problem-solver.
The Fixer Mentality
A fixer thinks or feels that they can prevent other people from experiencing pain or discomfort. They feel they can change things or people for the better
Often, a fixer is a kind, compassionate soul who wants to help. It starts with the best of intentions, but the fixer mentality can veer into muddy water quickly.
Fixing becomes dangerous when it is tied to value and lovability.
Usually the fixer cannot do anything to change the situation or the person in question and they end up harming themselves or the relationship in the process.
Fixing is being the glue gave people a reason to love them and keep them around. & something to focus on, and distract your self from your own pain.
Oftenthey take it upon themself to step in; being a fixer offered a sense of control that they didn’t have otherwise.
It was an illusion, but it brought a sense of purpose.
And just breath..
You cannot change other people or their lives, even if you want to. You cant be all the things, to all the people, and survive.
People need to learn on their own to develop skills for coping well with life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Put up boundaries in place and keep them there!! Menders need to learn that you can love and be happy for others without being meshed in all the details of their lives. There is freedom in acknowledging that you can’t fix anything everything every time .....
& you are still be helpful and supportive; compassionate, kind and empathetic. “compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals.”
The hope for A fixer, it is a challenging adjustment. It is difficult to undo patterns and dynamics in relationships. It is hard work to step out of a role you have played your entire life. The change ; either people will either rise to meet you in a new healthy place or they will stay put.
You can’t control what happens. You can only meet and love people where they are.
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|Camera||Canon EOS 77D|
|Lens||Canon EF S18-55mm f/4-5.6G|
|Owner||All Rights reserved,original content by @swedishdragon|