Werewolf Housemates

Werewolf Housemates
By
Me
INT. KITCHEN - BATIK TABLECLOTHS AND BEADS IN THE DOORWAY
Sarah and John, in flowy floral and tie-die, are werewolves (Wolfman-style: Exposed skin is hairy, hands are more paw-like). They sit at a table. Tara is one hippie-dippy werewolf mama, too. She’s serving salad. It’s awkward because she has paws. Kyle, another werewolf, more hipster than hippie, hustles into the room.
JOHN We already started, dude.
SARAH We decided you’re in charge of cleaning no matter who is shedding.
John scratches himself.
KYLE (as he sits, indignantly) For serious?
Before he finishes speaking, Kyle’s distracted by the food Tara is holding. His eyes dart from her to the salad, and he puts his paws up, begging.
TARA Stay...
Tara puts some kale on Kyle’s plate. He looks at it and whines. Then he shakes it off and speaks.
KYLE Maybe some Fake-on bits?
TARA Soy mono-cultures are destroying-
KYLE I know... I know.
Kyle looks forlornly at his salad. He reaches for the olive oil but knocks it over with his paws. During the next few lines, he paws the puddle of oil towards his salad. He gives up, and begins lapping up what spilled.
TARA The only socially responsible diet is a raw vegan one. We can’t start acting like monsters.
The werewolves pick up forks in their paws as best they can, and try to eat salad like people.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
JOHN I agree, and that’s why we’re having this house meeting. We were overdue for one anyways.
TARA Item one. Cleaning. I propose everybody cleans up after themselves when they piddle.
SARAH That’s fine in theory, but I think some people piddle and don’t realize, and when they see it later, they assume it’s someone else’s piddle, and then it remains un-cleaned for days.
JOHN Who does that?
SARAH I’m not pointing noses, but it smells like you.
JOHN Oh? Or maybe it’s the same werewolf who thinks the couch is a garden and digs until he rips the fabric and there’s fluff everywhere.
KYLE Cut me some slack! This is my first full moon!TARA Let’s just say, if you notice piddle, you clean it up.
SARAH And if you hump a pillow to death, you replace it.
Silence. Then John scratches himself. He stops. Silence.
TARA You want to talk about humping, Humperina?SARAH No... just.
She weakly points to the ruins of the couch.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
KYLE I’m a vicious predator.
SARAH You HUMPED it.
KYLE I’m a WEREWOLF.
TARA We all hump things, Sarah.
SARAH (changing the subject) Can we get cheaper internet?
John scratches himself.
JOHN You mean SLOWER internet.
SARAH No one needs fast internet but you, Pervy McPerverson.
JOHN It’s for charity!
SARAH The ASPCA does not make cute dog videos for your pleasure.
JOHN Well at least I don’t hump strays!
SARAH C.J. isn’t a stray!
Silence.
TARA ...C.J.?
SARAH It’s just a dominance thing.
JOHN He’s a Chihuahua. Why is there a dominance question?
SARAH There isn’t. ’Cause of the humping.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
KYLE You wanted to talk about humping, Humperella?SARAH My grandma made that pillow!
KYLE YOU MADE ME A WEREWOLF!
SARAH I’m IN HEAT!
John scratches more vigorously.
JOHN WHO GAVE ME FLEAS?!
Tara throws her salad across the room.
TARA I NEED MEAT!
A beat. They look at each other and grow ashamed of their behavior. John starts scratching, but stops himself when everybody looks at him. He slowly lowers his paw.
TARA We shall not abandon our values just because we’re werewolves.
John suddenly scratches uncontrollably.
JOHN AUGH!
All look at him, then, when Kyle speaks, Sarah and Tara turn their eyes to him.
SARAH I move that we adjourn and go bond over cute puppy videos.
KYLE (muttering) Who ever heard of vegan Werewolves?